It has been confirmed that the Balearic island of Ibiza is going to be renamed Ushuaïa following the purchase of the naming rights made by the infamous Matutes Hotel Group.
The company buy-out happened in January when the Spanish Prime Minister signed the deeds of Ibiza over to the Matutes Group, also owners of Ushuaïa Beach Hotel, for an estimated fee of €800m and a life time supply of ketamine, meaning the name change will come into effect on 1 May 2016.
Built in 2011, Ushuaïa Beach Hotel, likened to a high-class prostitute due to its combination of excessive glamour and extortionate prices, established itself at the heart of Playa Den Bossa.
Just like a high-class prostitute, not many holidaymakers can afford a night inside Ushuaïa and therefore prefer to gaze at it from a distance, wondering what it might feel like to penetrate its entrance.
“I have been coming to Ibiza for fifteen years and it’s been going steadily downhill since 2011,” said thirty five year old, Nicky Jones. “First they built the big hotel which attracts the biggest cunts going to its EDM events. Then they built the tower next door which is intelligently named Ushuaïa Tower. Turns out they actually own Space nightclub as well, which is due to be renamed Club Ushuaïa, or some bollox like that next year.”
“These wankers have even bought out every single bar and restaurant in Playa Den Bossa, which are all to be renamed Ushuaïa One, Ushuaïa Two, Ushuaïa three, Ushuaïa Four, right through to Ushuaïa Six hundred and seventy three.”
Ibiza was discovered over 3000 years ago by the Carthaginians who took control of the island in order for it to become a prime party location, sharing ketamine and weed with the visiting Romans and Barbarians. As the years have passed and humanity has evolved, Ibiza has remained a destination which welcomes all kinds of revelers – but 2016 is set to have a far more corporate feel with the Matutes Group at the helm.
“The decision wasn’t taken lightly to rename the Island but it fits into our business model” said Ushuaïa spokesman Juan Garcia. “The Balearic island of Ushuaïa has a wonderfully original ring to it. Our aim over the next five years is to build on our brand and crush anybody who gets in our way.”
“Of course we want holiday makers to have fun, but we need to ensure it is done in a way which makes us rich. They need to attend our venues, buy our merchandise and spend their hard earned cash with us.”
“By 2018 we will have our own currency, the Ushuaïa dollar. By 2021 we will have our own exclusive airline, Ushuaïa Wings, which will be the only tour operator allowed onto the Island” continued Juan.
“If our forty seven point plan works out as projected, we estimate that by 2028 every new-born baby in the Balearic region will have to be named Ushuaïa.”
