The online community has today united in one voice to praise the work of those selflessly taking part in the ice bucket challenge for providing much needed insight into the oft overlooked issue of people throwing water over themselves for attention.
“Every day across the planet people are throwing water over themselves, sometimes in the morning, sometimes at night, always when dirty,” explained Armie Shanks a psychologist working with celebrities, “it took these brave celebrities to change our perspective and for the first time perhaps in history, really look at what throwing an ice bucket over someone looks like.”
So far hundreds of celebrities and sports stars have taken part in the Ice Bucket Challenge which involves the person having a bucket of ice water poured over them so that the audience knows that they’re people too and care enough about something to suffer minor discomfort for like a second in lieu of actually donating money to whatever disease it is they’re hijacking to improve their image.
“I think it’s great that more attention is being given to the actual process of pouring water over yourself than the disease or charity,” continued Armie. “Diseases are a total downer – whereas seeing Eddie Vedder pour water over his vowel warbling head or Cristiano Ronaldo unexplainedly go topless for his challenge allowing ice water to firm up his taut, Ballon D’or winning nipples is a big rubbery turn on for most users because it gets to the brass tax of this issue, celebrities throwing water on themselves.”
“This traumatic issue is used countless times in uplifting, family friendly sports movies but we never bat an eyelid at the poor souls who have to suffer the indignity of having a cooler of ice water thrown over them,” continued Armie who claims that he himself once had a cooler of water thrown over him at a party so that it looked like he had wet himself.
“Victims have to endure embarrassing horror of a cold back and damp clothes. We only see the fun side of it when the hero coach is lifted on the shoulders of the winning team as they make state in the last minute of the big game at a films climax but there’s a dark side to having water poured over you, films never show the fact that the coach probably has to drive home sodden and that his car seat will be wet too, it’s horrific.”
“It’s a little known fact that 90% of coaches who get dunked with water like that will go on to underperform sexually and develop a phobia of showers where they can only shower fully clothed with someone else present – meaning they often ruin their clothes and barely even get cleaned properly behind the ears and in the groin area.”
People have pointed out that the Ice Bucket Challenge, as it’s hashtagged, is actually to raise awareness and money for diseases like ALS or motor neuron disease and isn’t just random celebrities pouring water over themselves to appear altruistic “although most of the videos fail to mention the cause or cut off immediately after the money shot”.
“It’s basically a viral campaign to raise money for people in desperate need – like the NoMakeUp selfie, Kony 2012 or pornography,” claimed one user who undertook the challenge that requires people to either donate money to the charity they’re doing the challenge for or donate to it.
“I don’t see why they don’t just donate the money, surely Mark Zuckerberg can afford to throw a few quid at ALS rather than pour some ice water over his head on his lunch break before he goes back to play ping pong ball or sit on his bean bag hammock and collect private user’s data, whatever his job is.”
