“I’m Utterly Ashamed To Be Associated With Such A Filthy, Disgusting Creature,” Claims Pig
The pig at the centre of the Piggate scandal, involving David Cameron allegedly placing his penis into the pig’s mouth, has today spoken of his shame and humiliation at “being associated with such a vile, disgusting creature”.
“I thought I buried this in the back of my mind and could take it to the grave,” confirmed Percy the Pig, who was today outed as the pig in whose mouth Cameron is alleged to have placed his penis. “As a pig you expect some Tory funsters to place their dick and balls in your mouth at some point but I’ll never forget the shame I felt that day, and still feel, when Ravey Davey slid his turgid, flabby man-stick into my mouth.”
Percy claims he has been regularly seeking the advice of a psychiatrist to deal with the trauma that Cameron’s high jinks induced but that “the shame is coating me like a shit blanket”.
“He’s just such a vile, turd of a human,” he continued. “I mean I might ruck around in, and eat, my own disgusting shit, but that’s still less horrible than everything Cameron has ever done including privatising the NHS, castigating terrified immigrants and trying to come across as human.”
Percy claims that he’s struggled with flashbacks of Cameron “coming for him again” and that whenever he hears “a kind of nasally, Home Counties smug gentleman farmer accent” he shits himself.
“That’s why pigs are so filthy, we’ve been sexually brutalised by generations of Torys to such an extent that we constantly shit ourselves at the sound of their voices,” he added. “Cameron however is still the most disgusting of all the Torys who’ve teabagged me including Gideon Osborne and Iain Duncan Smith.”
“It’s so expected of Cameron to be a kind of pantomine cockring that when it came out that he might have fucked a pig in the mouth, no one was that surprised,” continued Percy. “You’ve got to reach really extreme heights of massive dickbaggery before people respond to you maybe raping an animal in the mouth with a shrug while saying ‘Yeah that makes sense.'”
Following this interview Percy has being placed in protective custody by Scotland Yard’s bestiality unit who it is said are planning a raid on Cameron’s 10 Downing St residence where it is expected they’ll find hard drives full of Peppa Pig and Babe.