News of the decriminalisation of drugs in Ireland has been well received by Irish drug dealers who are looking forward to being rewarded with “cushy civil service jobs”.
John “Madser” Walshe, an inner city Dublin heroin dealer, spoke of his “joy” at hearing the government were set to reshuffle their drug policies.
“It’s fuckin brilliant news,” exclaimed an upbeat Madser. “I’ve been dealing gear for years and it’s about time the government recognised me as the hardworking citizens that I am. Sure, I don’t pay tax, drugs cost the state millions of euros a year and I’ve personally destroyed the lives of thousands of families’ but, in my opinion, I deserve a break.”
“I’m sick of living on the outskirts of society,” continued Madser. “I want to be able to go down the pub and tell people my job, not have to lie and say I work in pharmaceutical sales, which isn’t really a lie when you think about it, that’ll probably be my official title this time next year.”
“But the thing I’m looking forward to most about drug reform is job security,” claimed Madser, who got his name after beating a dog to death with a cat when he was fourteen. “You just don’t get that with dealing, there’s no sick pay, you don’t get holidays and I could literally be sacked, or shot, at any time. It won’t be like that when I’m a civil servant, sure it’s practically impossible to get sacked.”
“I’m not sure exactly how it’s going to work but I’d imagine I’ll just put an application into Dublin City Council and they’ll give me a license to sell drugs,” he speculated. “I’m well known around town anyway so it should be grand. I’m looking forward to getting the gear of the government and not having to buy it off gangsters, although, when you think about it, the government are the biggest gangsters in the country.”
“I’m surprised it’s taken them so long to get into drugs to be honest with you, the money’s fucking great,” revealed the dealer. “They’d probably say it’s immoral, but is selling a bit of gear really any worse than taking money of disabled people in the budget or allowing banks to make people homeless? I don’t think so.”
According to government sources, all Irish dealers will be sent on training camps where they will learn how to sell drugs responsibly and also be taken off the live register before starting their new jobs in the NHS next year.
