Tens of people were left devastated last night after a young Irish man failed to live up to a national stereotype during a multicultural house party in St. Kilda, Australia.
Patrick Murphy, a twenty three year old electrician originally from Waterford, has been living in the Melbourne suburb since March of this year and left his fellow party goers perturbed after refusing to drink any alcoholic beverages throughout the entirety of the social gathering.
Martin Stanford, a fellow party goer, spoke of events at the diverse gala, “It could have been the greatest party of all time. There were people from all over the world there and I really feel that I’ve learnt a lot about respecting other people’s cultures,” explained Martin sincerely.
“I’ll probably even be a bit more tolerant of them now when they screw up my food order,” he added.
“The only thing that soured the mood was an Irish guy who just sat in the corner, soberly telling jokes all night,” he apprehensively offered. “I’m not an anthropologist or anything but as an Englishman I’d always expect the Irish guy at a party to be falling around drunk and most likely do something really stupid at some point of the night.”
“We’ve all heard Paddy Englishman, Paddy Irishman, Paddy Scotsman jokes before,” he continued. “Well it was nothing like one of those. I had no problem with aggressively singing football songs and swigging lagers all night, but he just wouldn’t get involved. Designated driver or not he should have been representing his country better. He ruined the night for everyone,” he added somberly.
Justine Beauregard, from Paris, also spoke about the previous night’s soiree, “The Irish guy was a total fucking asshole!” she explained arrogantly while adjusting her sexy maid’s outfit. “There were American guys being loud and obnoxious, Dutch guys smoking weed and the Australian girl who owned the house was being inadvertently racist all night. That was the beauty of the party. We all felt so comfortable nearly like we were home,” she continued while staring blankly into the distance, a single tear glistening in the corner of her eye. “Then Paddy Irishman duly pissed all over us with his totally alcohol free urine,” she added.
Although Mr. Murphy has yet to comment on the matter, a source close to the Irish native has confirmed that after he safely drove his flatmates home, he proceeded to get ‘totally fucking locked’ by drinking a bottle of whiskey before waking the entire apartment block with a rendition of The Fields Of Athenry and eventually falling asleep on the couch and “pissing his jocks.”
