A leading mental health doctor has claimed that ketamine could be the greatest breakthrough in the treatment of mental health disorders in the last half a century because it’s impossible to be depressed when in a K hole.
Dr. Mike Etta-Mehan, of London’s Nightingale Hospital, claimed that ketamine, in the right doses, actively shuts down the part of the brain that causes depression and could be a far more effective treatment than many of the antidepressants currently available on the market.
“The significance of ketamine really is unparalleled in the field of medical science in recent history,” explained Dr. Etta-Mehan earlier today. “In fact, to truly understand the velocity of it’s importance we have to draw on examples outside of the field of medical science. Ketamine is to medicine, what Frankie Knuckles was to music or Paris Hilton was to skanky-ass hoes.”
“During intensive research, most of it carried out by myself with nothing more that a couple of ounces of raw ketamine, an empty DVD case, a bank card and a rolled up £20 note, we found that ketamine actually turns off the part of the brain that makes you depressed,” revealed Etta-Mehan. “The most important thing when using ketamine as a treatment is the dosage, the ideal amount is a ‘shit load’ or a ‘fuck ton’, preferably delivered to the patient in lines.”
“Basically, for effective treatment, you need to be K-holeing,” confirmed the doctor. “This will actually temporarily shut down your entire brain, leaving you in a kind of provisional vegetative state, making it practically impossible to feel depressed while you’re under its influence. We’ve also had a number of trialists, most notably me and my mate Dave, claiming to have reached a significant level of enlightenment and coming to terms with a variety of personal issues while navigating these K-holes.”
“If it were up to me everyone suffering from any sort of mental health issue would be prescribed ketamine straight away,” he continued. “Although I may not be the best person to listen to because if it was up to me all drugs would be legal, you’d learn how to roll joints in school and bras would only be sold to women over the age of forty five.”
According to Dr. Etta-Mehan, ketamine can also be used to tackle chronic boredom, steady leg syndrome, two eyed vision disorder and deep house dystrophy.
