Dance music supergroup J.E.S.u.S. are set to host a one off miraculous party in Lourdes, France, where they will reportedly make a crippled man dance.
J.E.S.u.S, made up of Jackmaster, Skream, Eats Everything und Seth Troxler, are due to make the pilgrimage to the iconic religious sight early next month and claim they will perform a number of miracles while there.
Wunderground spoke to the group members yesterday, “Aye, we’re gonna be performing a number of different miracles when we do the Lourdes gig,” explained Jackmaster, Scotland’s foremost floral shirt wearer. “Myself and Skream will mostly be concentrating on turning water into wine, only it’ll be a bit more modern and we’ll actually be turning beer into pish. You know what I mean?”
“The party will have a capacity of exactly five thousand people,” continued an enthusiastic Eats Everything, considered by many to be Bristol’s finest musical export since Bananarama. “And we’ll be entertaining them with five decks and two mixers so it’s a lot like the time the big J.C. fed all those people with five loaves and two fishes, only instead of an unsatisfactory lunch we’ll be serving up top notch beats.”
“But what we’re really getting excited about is helping to make a crippled man dance,” added Troxler, who claims his sense of fashion is directly influenced by that of Jesus of Nazareth. “The only difference between us making a crippled man dance and the original Jesus making a crippled man walk, is that our cripple is actually crippled with ket, which is actually a lot harder to reverse than a more conventional crippling.”
“It’s gonna be well sick,” claimed Skream, tipped by many to be a direct descendant of Jesus Christ, “and I’m not only talking about the amount of sick catholics knocking about the place. Way sicker than that, I’m talking if Lourdes married Medjogorje and gave birth to an aids ward sick. Off the fucking chain man.”
According to Pope Francis, the Lourdes gig will be the best thing to happen in the small Pyrenees town since he had a romantic encounter with an apparition of the the Virgin Mary in 2001, who he claims was “not a virgin” when he had finished with her.
