Religious folk hero, Jesus Christ, famous for talking to Mel Gibson, inventing crucifixion and forcing everyone to celebrate his birthday, is set to return from the heavenly plane to perform a one off DJ set where it is expected he’ll mix water into wine.
Christ, one third of EDM supergroup, The Father, Son & The Holy Spirit, has a long standing history of being an international draw boasting over 2 billion followers of his Twitter feed.
“Whether it’s banging out a 12 hour techno set to the multitudes on the mount, or a quiet introspective journey set in the Garden of Gethsemane, Christ always delivers, and if you’re lucky he’ll even wash your feet,” claimed Christ’s publicist. “He might also try dry them with his hair, which is quite weird and disgusting.”
“As a DJ, one of the most difficult things you can do is to mix two seemingly disparate elements and make them work, they might have different BPMs, one might be house music the other a kinda ragga hardcore – but they’re both still essentially songs,” continued the spokesperson. “Where Christ is the master is mixing one physical thing into another. No other DJ on the planet can do what he does, except maybe Carl Cox.”
It’s a BYOLAF (Bring Your Own Loaves And Fishes) Event according to the Facebook event page with Jesus insisting “I’m not made of miracles and with it being 2015 and not an Iron Age field you can surely bring your own food?”
“I’ve been listening to Christ’s sets, or sermons, for years,” claimed the Pope. “It’s usually uplifting hymnal stuff that I like or the spoken word rapper material but I like the techno too.”
“I heard he finishes all of his sets with the CJ Bolland classic The Prophet cause according to him it’d absolutely melt the face of the hardiest techno loving seraphim.”
Jesus denied rumours that his Dad would be joining him for a DJ set, claiming the creator became disillusioned with DJing after being outed as a DJ by Faithless in 1998, before which he used to enjoy donning human form and playing 12 hour sets on Bora Bora beach in the guise of Frankie Knuckles.
“Although considering me and him are two halves of the same whatever, trinity thing – I’m not sure what it’s called you’d have to ask a priest, considering we’re basically the same dude then you could say God is playing too, me and God are going back to back.”
Catch Jesus playing this Easter Sunday in Jerusalem with support on the night from DJ Harvey and Guy Gerber.
