Judge Jules Sentenced To An Eternity Of Empty Venues


Judge Jules Sentenced

Legendary English DJ Judge Jules’s fall from grace continued today after the one time world’s number one DJ was sentenced to an eternity of empty venues.

Jules, who earned his nickname after achieving a degree in law, has seen his stock steadily fall in recent years after failing to live up to the highs he experienced earlier in his career, most notably when he was voted into number one spot in, the now infamous, DJ Mag’s Top 100 DJs Poll in 1995.

Some critics believe Judge Jules’s decline is down to the fact that he took his eye off the DJ game to focus on a career in entertainment law, while others believe it is because “he was always a bit shit”.

“The judge had it all back in the day,” claimed Gerry Costello, a 90’s raver turned armchair commentator and pint drinker. “He had the looks, the glasses, the women and he was able to spin a few tunes, the man had it made, I really don’t know why anyone would turn their back on that for a far more stable and sustainable career in law. What a div.”

“I went to see him a good few times back in the late 90’s, I don’t really go to see anyone these days apart from my psychiatrist and chiropractor, he was selling out arenas whereas now he’s playing shitty old school nights in back rooms to a handful of people,” explained Garry. “He had the world at his feet and he blew it all, just like Osama Bin Laden or George Best.”

“He was my idol back then, not anymore, I look up to people like Jeremy Clarkson and Piers Morgan now, people whose opinions I can relate too you know?” continued Gerry. “I just couldn’t idolise someone who works as a lawyer, at least when he was a DJ you could think ‘oh he’s great, I could probably split a pill or do a few lines with him’ but lawyers don’t go in for that sort of carry on. I bet he’s right boring now. No wonder he’s gone shit.”

According to sources close to Judge Jules, playing smaller venues to smaller crowds does not phase the DJ at all as all of his court cases are played out in front of fully packed courtrooms.


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Judge Jules Sentenced To An Eternity Of Empty Venues

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