Kanye West’s world was well and truly rocked this weekend after the pop star finally came to realise that the sun does not shine out of his ass.
West, best known for being an asshole and having a face that is way too fat for his body, came to the life altering conclusion after he commanded his entire audience, including a number of wheelchair users, to stand up during a concert in Sydney, Australia, only to discover that, unlike the popular children’s character Jesus Christ, he does not posses healing powers and is not the source of all life on the planet.
“I just started shouting ‘stand up fools’ and waving my fingers around to try and get the magic to shoot out of them and heal the wheelchair people,” explained Mr. West during an interview with Overground, the fictional upside down Australian version of Wunderground. “But then my crew were like ‘Kanye they can’t walk, this is not cool’. Now, I hire these motherfucker to say yes to everything so when they start saying no Kanye knows something ain’t right. Word.”
“I was angry and about to condemn my entire staff to a life of fire and brimstone for making me look like a fool,” explained West. “But then my stage manager, Willis, came up to me and said ‘Kanye you’re not God, you can’t make crippled people walk and the sun doesn’t shine out of your ass’. At first I was like ‘What you talkin’ ’bout Willis? Don’t play me like no fool, this ain’t gonna be another fish sticks incident’, but he kept insisting that I was just a normal man.”
“That’s when I decided to prove him wrong and show him my shiny brown butt and the rays of life giving sunlight that shine from that sculpted and perfectly proportioned posterior,” continued West, pictured above trying to turn a camera into wine using only his eyes. “So I took down my pants, bent over and tried to show him the sunlight. I tried real hard. Too hard. I ended up shitting all over the carpet.”
“I was half expecting the turd to turn into a man but after about an hour I gave up hope,” admitted West. “There’s nothing like staring at your own freshly made shit sitting on a twenty thousand dollar Persian rug to remind you that your just a man, albeit a godly man, way better and far richer than most other men but a man all the same.”
West’s new found humility is set to be severely tested at this year’s MTV European Music Awards, held in Glasgow in November, where he will not win any awards, on account of his music being shit, and be forced to sit through other people’s award acceptance speeches without feeling the need to ruin them by storming the stage and telling the world how great he is.
The word is arse, unless he owns a deluded donkey.