House music legend, Kerri Chandler, has announced controversial and ambitious plans to completely clone himself ahead of his appearance at next March’s Bugged Out Weekender in Southport, UK.
No stranger to pushing forward new technologies in his music, Chandler claims that by cloning himself he will be able to broaden his musical possibilities and free up his time so that he can work on new music projects. “I got the idea from the Scottish band The Proclaimers and how they were able to build an entire career based on looking exactly alike,” explained Chandler. “People say that they’re twins but Fatboy Slim told me that he knew them through The Housemartins and that Charlie Reid (of The Proclaimers) got really drunk one night after a gig and became aggressive with his supposed ‘twin’ Craig. Apparently he was calling him names like ‘Frankenstein’s Bitch’ and saying suspicious things that made people suspect his brother might be a clone like, ‘I wish I never cloned you’ and ‘You’re a clone that I cloned to help further my flailing career, you clone.'”
In spite of the obviously poor relationship between The Proclaimers, Chandler is still adamant with completing the project. “It’s going to be great,” Chandler enthused. “The main thing is that myself and the clone, who I’m thinking of naming ‘Kenny’, will be able to tour the world playing back to back. It’s always been a dream of mine to play with myself onstage.”
“There’ll be other perks with having a clone of myself around too,” elaborated the DJ. “I can get him to do tedious PR work, like this interview, in my place so that I can concentrate all my time on music. He can also help around the house by cooking my meals, cleaning the house, giving me baths, reading my bed time stories, things like that.”
The complicated procedure will involve cloning Chandler’s D.N.A. and using that as the fundamental building blocks to grow a cloned human version of the DJ in a specialized incubator where “house music will be piped in constantly so that he’ll be fully versed by the time he’s ready. It’s actually a procedure a few DJ’s I know could do with undergoing,” he laughed.
“It should take about 5 months to complete,” claimed an excited Kerri. “It should be ready just in time for my performance at Bugged Out Weekender next March.” “My main worry, besides him coming out brain dead or even worse, slightly better looking, is that he’ll murder me and take my place,” warned Chandler. “That’s why I’m thinking of getting a tattoo on my forehead that says ‘Real’ and claim it’s a statement on my authenticity in the industry and that I’m just keeping it real. And not let people know the actual reason. Which is that I outlandishly cloned myself and am now terrified that said clone will kill and replace me if I don’t have a distinguishing tattoo on my forehead to tell us apart.”
“Worst case scenario, he fucks off and does a collaboration with Guetta or Avicii. Best case scenario, we both play a blinder at the event and the gig goes down in history. Either way, I’m looking forward to seeing how it all pans out” See Kerri and Kenny Chandler go back-to-back at the Bugged Out Weekender in Southport, UK on the 7,8 and 9th of March 2014. Tickets on sale now…
