“Kids Today Are So Out Of Touch” Claims 38 Year Old Listening To Hardhouse And Taking Speed


A thirty eight year old raver from Doncaster, England, has recently made the audacious claim that “kids today are so out of touch” while at a party full of other middle aged “party animals”.

Michael Barrett, an out of work window cleaner, made the claims while taking speed and listening to a hard house mix tape he made “back in 1996 when music were right good”.

“Our generation really knew how to party,” explained Mr Barrett earlier today. “Not like those pesky kids you’ve got today. Honestly they’ve not got a clue about good music or proper drugs and they’re all dead rude and all. Best thing to do with them is ship them off to Army for a couple of months, that’ll teach them some manners.”

“They all listen to this deep house nowadays,” continued Mr. Barrett, who claims to have once stayed up for ninety six hours straight while taking pink champagne. “I’ve heard it! They’d be better of calling it sissy house because it’s totally shite. There’s no sirens or donks or nothing! I’ve only ever listened to the hardest of the hardest of the house all my life and I’ve turned out dead good.”

“They don’t even know how to dance at raves and they’ve got the clothes all wrong and all,” scoffed Barrett. “Alls they do is sway gently from side to side, in tattoo-displaying black v-neck shirts. That’s total pants that is! What’s wrong with whipping your top off, sticking a pair of white gloves on getting your mate to paint a smiley face on your chest with u.v. pain and going mental? The raves these days must be right boring. I’m glad I were born in the 80’s.”

“And don’t even get me started about the drugs they’re taking,” he stated before instantly starting on the drugs they’re taking. “Ketamine? It’s for horses mate. Why would you want to be taking that? The only thing I’ll take with ‘amine’ on end is good old fashioned amphetamine. And what’s all this 2C-xyz nonsense. If I had of wanted to know the alphabet I would have stayed in school. Do you know what I mean?”

Read: Clubber’s Arms Locked In Place After Having Them “Up For Detroit” For 9 Years

More: Clubber Making Lines Progressively Smaller So It Seems Like The Coke Lasts Longer


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“Kids Today Are So Out Of Touch” Claims 38 Year Old Listening To Hardhouse And Taking Speed

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