Drinking an expensive craft beer that tastes like the shit smeared armpit of a man who has just wanked into a sock has officially been declared cooler than drinking a cheaper beer which tastes nice, according to Food and Drink magazine.
The recent craft beer explosion has seen substance almost completely engulfed by style in the drinks industry and it now seems that price and image are far more important than value and taste.
“You don’t drink a craft beer for its refreshing nature, cool clean taste or value for money,” claimed master brewer Paul Anus. “You drink it so people can see you drinking it. Simple. It’s what the craft beer says about you. Like ‘look at that guy he’s got more money than sense’ or ‘whao that craft beer really complements that guy’s top knot’ it’ll basically make you look like coolness and avant garde personified.”
“Sure you could drink a reliable beer that tastes delicious,” continued the brewer, whose flagship beer is called Juice of Anus, “but where’s the sense of adventure in that? Would you rather look like a middle aged dad sipping on a Heineken that tastes lovely or a trendy go getter fighting back a brew that was made in someone’s bathtub and tastes like a tramp’s piss? I know which I’d rather be.”
According to craft beer drinker Kai O’Reilly, taste is “not an issue” when it comes to ordering a drink at a bar.
“Why would I care about what the drink tastes like?” asked Kai dismissively. “Half of the time I don’t even drink it I just carry it around in my hand where everyone can see it. If I wanted something that tasted nice I’d have bought a cup of tea or glass of Ribena.”
“Big bottles with really bright colours are the best,” continued Kai, a twenty year old art student from Dublin’s National College of Art and Design. “That way there’s no doubt that you’re drinking something that’s actually cool. I never go to bars that serve their drinks in glasses. That’s so 2012. I’ll have a bottle, and maybe a jam jar, or nothing.”
“It’s great for pulling women too,” added the student. “Lots of the time it’s a done deal once they see the beer. You don’t even have to say anything, it’s almost like drinking the trendy beer is a replacement for personality. It’s totally brilliant.”
According to food bloggers, people should ignore everything they have ever learned from Sprite advertisements as image is now considered everything while thirst is nothing.