Despotic cheese addict, Kim Jong-Un, is set to headline every stage at the inaugural Tomorrowland North Korea, set to take place next month.
The obese tyrant, who in recent weeks shot a general who fell asleep in front of him with a 100mm anti-aircraft gun, is reportedly a massive EDM fan and petitioned Tomorrowland to host an edition of their festival in his country.
“It’s going to be sick,” gushed an aide close to Kim while spoonfeeding the reclining North Korean leader triangles of Dairylea. “Our supreme leader is the world’s best DJ and actually invented techno and started key mixing while still only 1 year old.”
“His set is sure to be the highlight of the festival, which will also feature some other big name EDM who are sympathetic to despotic paydays like David Guetta and Calvin Harris – both of whom consider Kim a close friend and inspirational leader.”
“There are five separate stages and Kim will headline all of them simultaneously, no DJ in the West has ever attempted anything like that before and would probably fail if they did try it but Kim isn’t like other DJs, he can be in five different places at once.”
Kim’s tracklist features an eclectic mix of industrial techno, his own voice and a garbled version of the Communist Manifesto being read by Sir Alan Sugar in a solid gold echo chamber in the Antarctic.
“Unfortunately because he’s given himself gout from eating too much cheese Kim will perform the set by sitting down and pointing a gun at David Guetta encouraging the French DJ to mix live for the first time since 2007.”
“But, naturally, Kim will be taking all the accolades for how the set goes over,” he added.