“Knife Party’s New Album Induces Coma” Warn Doctors
Doctors in Sydney, Australia, have issued a stark health warning to any potential buyers of EDM duo Knife Party’s debut album, Abandon Ship, after a number of animals, including cute puppies and baby monkeys, fell into a coma-like sleep after listening to the album during recent controlled trials.
Doctors have stated that listening to as little as thirty seconds of the album’s opening track, Reconnect, could be enough to put listeners into a deep sleep for anything up to hours, days, weeks or potentially even years.
The album, originally scheduled for release on the 27th October, was delayed by two weeks and put through a stringent trial process after a recording studio employee stuck knitting needles in his ears, leaving him completely deaf, after listening to a fifteen second snare drum sample from the album’s EDM Trend Machine track.
“We’re really not sure how powerful a sedative Abandon Ship actually is,” explained Doctor Rick Niviera earlier. “We weren’t willing to test it on humans after the recording studio incident and what has become clear after extensive animal research is that it is impossible to listen to it without falling into an extremely deep sleep.”
“We’ve recorded a vast range of side effects inflicted on the animals through listening to the album, some shockingly serious and others actually quite funny,” continued the Doctor. “Dogs, who have much more sensitive hearing than humans, tend to fall asleep very quickly after hearing the music although is some cases they seem to go into a convulsive state, often shitting and pissing themselves repeatedly until the music ends.”
He continued, “The monkeys were different, they seemed to have a slightly higher tolerance to the music than the dog, some of them went completely hysterical, clawing at their ears and screaming manically like a twelve year old girl at a Calvin Harris concert before eventually falling asleep, usually around the sixth track.”
“Most of the test subjects woke up later the same day but some were out cold for days and two dogs who listened to two tracks of the album extremely loud are yet to wake up,” commented Doctor Rick. “It’s been almost a month now so they’ll probably be complete vegetables, just like the average Knife Party fan, if and when they ever wake up.”
“We don’t want to cause a panic but if you listen to this music you are very likely to fall into a dangerously deep sleep,” he warned sternly. “You should not operate any heavy machinery or be in control of an automobile while listening to this album.”
“In fact, you probably shouldn’t do anything while listening to this album, the only time it’s safe to listen to it is when you’re already asleep but if you want to be really safe you’re probably just better off avoiding it at all costs.”
Other side effects of listening to Knife Party’s album include, coming across as a bit of dick, losing friends, becoming a laughing stock, repulsing members of the opposite sex and in the worst cases actually turning into a Knife Party fan.