A young man is lucky to be alive today after having his life saved last night by a quick thinking DJ who performed an emergency tracheotomy on the man as he was choking to death.
“Last night a DJ saved my life, by performing an emergency tracheotomy,” confided 28 year old Mark Simmons, pictured in hospital bed. “I was just out having a night with friends when suddenly I decided to try and swallow four ecstasy tabs at once and began to choke.”
Witnesses claim that Mark began gasping for breath after trying to quadruple drop the speckled mitsubishi ecstasy tablets which had become lodged in his throat.
“I tried to nail some cider to force them down but that made me gag and forced them down even further,” continued Mark who says that at this point some friends attempted to perform the Heimlich maneuver but that failed to dislodge the ecstasy blockage in his throat.
At this point, according to eyewitnesses, the support DJ Andrew Fleming began to notice a concerned crowd gathering around Mark and realising that the panic wasn’t because people didn’t like his set decided to investigate.
“I saw that he was choking,” claimed Andrew, “so I called an ambulance on my phone and leaped from the stage armed with an old vinyl and a crusted bank note and set to work.”
Andrew, who claims he got the idea for the tracheotomy from an episode of Scrubs, shattered the vinyl and using the razor sharp shards set about cutting a hole into Mark’s windpipe.
“I sterilized the vinyl using some tequila and started creating an incision in his throat below where the pills were blocking his breathing,” explained Andrew, who witnesses say then inserted a rock hard rolled up £20 note that he had been using for the whole weekend to snort coke and was “basically the consistency of a concrete tube thanks to the hardened cocaine”.
Paramedics were able to arrive on the scene within minutes and once Mark was taken into the ambulance the set was able to continue as a quick thinking Andrew had pressed play on the original version of Pachanga Boys Time which he knew “would go on long enough to fix the patient, wait for the ambulance crew and still have a few minutes left to mix out of”.
Speaking from his hospital bed Mark thanked Andrew for his quick thinking bravery and says that in honour of his heroism he’s to put his experience into song and release it under the title “Last night a DJ saved my life” while donating the proceeds to charities that help people use song titles to make extravagant pun based jokes.
