A secret dossier leaked to Wunderground by a disgruntled ex-Def Jam employee (possibly early noughties southern emcee Fam-Lay) has sensationally revealed that Rita Ora was purpose grown in a laboratory as spare parts for Rihanna as insurance against “excessive wear and tear” on the record label’s stone-faced, money spinner.
Following on from a traumatic holiday experience reports confirm that Rihanna and her entourage had attempted to play an IRL version of Buckaroo using a working class person and a range of Tefal cook wear whilst on holidaying in Preston-North End, UK.
The cruel contest left Rihanna with four ribs broken, one of which subsequently puncturing her kidney, after the working class person lashed out having finally grown tired of the overpaid Def Jam artist attempting to put a colander on his head.
It’s the first time any of the Roc Nation signee Rita’s spare parts have been needed and Def Jam wasted no time farming her in an attempt to save their biggest payday. “When Rita recently “autographed” a lyric sheet to her most recent identikit pop misnomer Body On Me we were actually getting her to sign over the required body parts to Rihanna, the signature in fact acting as a binding legal contract.” Explained head of Def Jam attorneys Cheryl Sandbag with a reptilian glint in her cold dead eyes.
“I have to congratulate my department on that one, not only for the speed with which they addressed the problem but also the audacity. In that song Rita is now, in essence saying ‘Riri; have a body on me’. It’s perfect!” Ms. Sandbag went on, her eyes lit up like a sunbed in Essex.
That wasn’t the only shock move from Ms. Sandbag and her legal team though, as she was only too eager to tell us; “As well as our commitment to Def Jam we also represent many other rampantly successful and salacious figures within the music industry, most notably flame haired, big pimping crooner Mick Hucknall and r’n’b vocalist/chauvinist Chris Brown who infamously ‘slapped up’ Rihanna on multiple occasions.”
“It was cited by the courts that Mr Brown’s abuse of Rihanna, including (but not restricted to) putting her in a headlock whilst driving and making her eat the dashboard of a luxury Italian sports car were two of the main factors in the initial ‘unfair wear and tear’ on Def Jam’s investment, as was Rihanna’s subsequent spiral into getting ‘too drunk’ at least six nights a week as a coping mechanism.”
“Through our client, Mr Brown’s, performance on the donation track with Rita, we actually managed to get 120 hours shaved off of his community service. I think it’s fair to say the whole of Bodie & Doyle Legal will be getting an extra duffle bag of gear and a take away on me tonight!”
At the time of going to press Wunderground was unable to obtain comment from Rita Ora or her management team; we are, at present, unsure if this is because she has gone in to hiding or has already been collected by Def Jam surgeons and is currently resembling a real life version of popular Hasbro board game Operation.
We will update you with details on this story as we get them.