Local Anti-Drugs Mouthpiece Spending Weekend Boozing & Getting In Fights
An anti-drug campaigner has told Wunderground how he enjoys nothing more than relaxing with a few frosty beers and a good hiding after a long day telling people about the destructive power of drugs – like cannabis and ecstasy.
“I’ll be out, with the rest of my church group, picketing some government department about the dangers of cannabis when I’ll work up a steady thirst for a nice harmless pint of beer or seven,” explained 45 year old accountant David Thorne, who has been picketing drugs ever since wrongly conflating their use with a random burglary he suffered some years ago. “Nothing beats a cold beer and a punch up after a hard day giving out about something I don’t completely understand.”
“I don’t just like beer, I also love wine, whiskey and Windolene,” he added. “Just wholesome, family friendly alcohol. Some people say to me, ‘isn’t alcohol a drug?’ but I always laugh in their face and tell them ‘no silly, it’s not a drug – it’s a drink.'”
“All alcohol has ever done to people is give them a cuddly beer belly or an attractively engorged whiskey nose like John Belushi or Alex Ferguson,” he continued, pointing to his own belly and nose for emphasis. “It’s not like alcohol does any long term brain damage in the way weed does.”
“Take my Dad, he drank all his life and it never caused him any problems,” he continued, growing misty eyed. “I still remember him coming home on Sunday evenings, full of piss and vinegar. He’d be shouting and singing, sometimes so loudly that my mother would have to lock herself in her room – crying over how loud yet good my father’s booming voice was. He died at the ripe old age of 57 over something to do with his liver.”
David claims that drinking beer is no more harmful than drinking wine or milk and that smoking cannabis leads to 100% of all deaths in the UK.
“You can’t get around that statistic,” warns David, who likes to engage in a full-on mode of anti-drug campaigning by “slapping the spliffs from the quivering hands of the pot junkies with their relaxed attitude, love of sitting down and abusive relationship with chocolate”.
“I always hope that they’ll swing a punch at me so I can fight them,” he concluded. “But they never do…”