The Greater London Authority has today announced plans that they are to implement a full scale hipster cull this coming autumn.
The announcement comes after a number of local councilors came under public pressure in relation to the city’s rising hipster numbers. One angry Soho resident said, “It’s a disgrace. I can hardly get out of my house these days with all the hipsters around here. I run a charity shop and somedays we can have up to two or three hundred hipsters trying to get in at the same time, we’re nearly completely sold out of T-shirts with 80’s Disney characters on them and I hate to think what will happen when they’re gone. It’s about time the council done something.”
Peter Porter, a black taxi driver and UKIP member, also vented his frustration, “Well first we had the foreigners and now we’ve got the hipsters, it’s about time the government started looking after their own. It’s hard enough to drive around London without a load of flaming hipsters on fixies congesting the streets, it’s dangerous and something needs to be done.”
Mayor of London, Boris Johnson, spoke about the planned cull, “We here at the Greater London Authority have decided, after much deliberation, that a full scale cull is the only reasonable course of action that can be taken to deal with London’s rising hipster numbers.”
“The cull will take place this autumn, it will coincide with university registration, which is the time of year when most new hipsters are created and will help to keep the number of hipsters in the city at a far more manageable level,” babbled the idiot, “making the Greater London area a safer and more desirable destination for everyone.”
“The cull will be carried out in the most humane way possible,” continued Boris. “Which for a hipster, is through an extremely slow and painful form of torture.”
The Greater London Authority have advised any people in the Greater London area who have curly mustaches or ride fixed gear bikes and do not consider themselves hipsters to stay indoors during the months of September and October.
