It has been revealed today that the world’s only novelty mayor, Boris Johnson, has reportedly been welcoming dignitaries visiting London by offering them a cheeky dab of mandy.
Johnson, the ironic politician who looks like the villain from an 80s action movie if the role was played by an incompetent cartoon bear, claims that offering mandy (MDMA) to visiting VIPs is a great way to disguise the crippling heterogeneity of the citylife he has created.
“When someone is on mandy, the British cousin of molly, it is far less likely that they’ll question why you’ve turned once vibrant parts of the city into an endless row of chain coffee outlets and grey office buildings,” explained Boris, rubbing the sugar from a jam donut onto the seam of his trousers when he thought no-one was looking. “The only drawback is that my finger is often too fat and stupid to fit into the baggie.”
Boris went on to say that London bound VIPs are looking for that extra bit of class and “licking crusted MDMA crystals from the sweaty index finger of one of London’s most powerful buffoons provides that”.
“I used to give them coke but I’m trying to disassociate myself from expensive white things,” he added. “MDMA, with it’s flecks of brown, white and black, is a lot more representative of the multicultural city I’m pretending to create.”
Johnson, seen here after dabbing a chunky crystal without water, claims that a helpful side effect of dealing with people who are on mandy is that they are less likely to notice how much of a ruffled, blonde fuckwit he is and allows him to adopt the role of jolly simpleton by tying his necktie around his head and dancing.
Some of the visiting glitterati who have been welcome to London by Boris in this manner include neo-con acolyte Rand Paul, who described the taste as “like money”, Jeremy Clarkson, who dabbed the whole bag before punching Johnson off his Boris bike and calling him a car-traitor, and Dragon’s Den’s resident hobbit Theo Paphitis who immediately licked his lips and said “I’m in”.
It is believed that following the initial dabbing of mandy, Johnson likes to bring the dignitaries to some of London’s top nightclubs but, having closed most of them, they usually end up just going back to the House of Commons where Gideon Osborne plays a dubstep remix of Abba’s Money Money Money on repeat for several hours.
