In a further cautionary measure to prevent London’s clubbers from dying in a pool of their own ecstasy flecked vomit or, God forbid, having a good time, all London nightclubs have now banned people.
As legislation against nightclubs has tightened in the last few months seeing sniffer dogs and breathalysers introduced, lawmakers still suspected the measures didn’t go far enough and have decided that the best approach to the problem would be to ban people altogether.
“Well you can’t have people dying in nightclubs if there’s no people,” quipped David Cameron before uttering the single word, “Logic,” then dropping the mike and walking off camera, checking for joggers and jumping into a waiting car.
The PM assured concerned citizens that he was confident the draconian kneejerk measures would solve the drugs in nightclubs issue and that if it didn’t then the government would look at other ways to curtail people’s movements like “nationwide curfews, stop and searches and illegal rendition”.
“If voters don’t go along with the measures, or think its some kind of impediment to their freedom, then we’re prepared to leak to The Sun an MI5 report which makes the claim that nightclubs are being targeted by terrorists,” he continued. “That should scare people into line with our thinking.”
When it was pointed out to policy makers that people could just as easily take drugs in their own homes or organise unlicensed parties they immediately went white and began drafting a bill that would “kill anyone who looks like they might be into nightclubs and drugs, thus preventing them from going to nightclubs and doing drugs where they’re at risk of dying”.
“It’s an extreme measure but it prevents nasty headlines of young people tragically losing their lives to drugs,” commented one legislator while stroking a cat, “if they’re dead already then they can’t die again. They’re not Christ.”
“Since we’ve banned people you’ll notice that within the club and in its general area there have been no reports of drug deaths, anti-social behaviour or noise pollution,” claimed head of security for a popular London club. “Drug seizures and arrests are down, so it’s been extremely successful. 100% of all things that occur in the world are caused by people so without people to intervene then nothing much happens, which is great for keeping the peace.”
“There was a bloke in here earlier, walking around with a broom looking intensely at the floor, so naturally I thought he was some ket-head who had bunked into the club, it was only after I heavily tackled him and broke his clavicle that I realised he was the cleaner,” concluded the security man. “Still though, you can’t be too careful.”
