Whenever you lose sight of your girlfriend while out clubbing, it most likely means that she’s off kissing other guys behind your back, a report has claimed.
“Even if it’s only for a second while you turn around to check in your coat or buy a drink, 100% of the time when you’re not looking at her she has some dude’s face wrapped around hers,” claimed the report. “You won’t be able to tell that she’s been kissing someone else because when you do find her she’ll claim to have just gone to do something entirely innocent.”
All your drunken panic that she’s off kissing Mark from her spin class who she seemed so taken with earlier is completely justified as they’re secretly kissing the whole time you’re not around, continued the report before maintaining that they’ll start fucking before too long.
“At every point when she is out of your sight she’s cheating on you and even though you’re drunk and massively insecure, it doesn’t mean that you’re a paranoid and possessive lunatic,” the report continued. “She’s probably in the toilet right now, blowing some other dude, you better run in there and make a big scene before it’s too late.”
The report also claimed that the guys that she is hooking up with are all taller, better looking and have larger penises than you – which they use with an expertise that you’ll never be able to master because yours is too small and your skills in the bedroom amount to that of a teenage virgin who will never be able to hold onto a woman.
“The best course of action is to just never leave her side, even if it means not going to the toilet all night and only going to get a drink when she does,” it added. “Otherwise she’s defo going to be kissing all the dudes and you’ll look like a ripped off mug.”
“Despite her constant assuring that nothing happened, something probably definitely did,” it was claimed. “Even though you know for a fact she’s a nice girl who loves you, she’s still off necking other dudes the minute your back is turned.
It’s not just in your stupid head, concluded the report, which claimed that all those involved fantasies you experience where she’s also kissing your best friend while laughing about how dumb you are, are entirely 100% accurate and not the musings of an insecure, possessive man-child.
