It has been revealed that a policeman working at a house music festival was overheard telling a colleague that his day consisted of “lovely people” and “shit music”, referring to it as the “swings and roundabouts” of law enforcement.
Fifty two year old PC, Thomas Woodburry, described it as the “best and worst” kind of day in his working calendar and was quoted saying “extremely friendly pill-heads are a delight to speak to in comparison to the aggressive coke-heads who always end up arrested, or the spaced-out, vacant ket-heads who take an eternity to do a fucking thing”.
“On one hand, a lot of my day is full of semi-naked birds who want a photo with me – flirting, wearing my hat, offering to suck me off, and all sorts,” announced Thomas. “Yet on the other hand I spend a lot of time helping a bunch of fucking morons who cannot walk, talk or understand the simplest thing. Us police officers aren’t as stupid as we look you know. We realise everybody at dance music festivals takes drugs. Hell, they have to be on drugs to put up with that racket they call music. It is fucking shit, I wouldn’t subject my worst enemy to it.”
Wunderground asked Thomas to elaborate on what it is like to police the rave scene and if he has any preference, “All depends on my mood to be honest,” laughed Thomas. “If the wife has been pissing me off, I will ask for the illegal raves; you know the ones in warehouses and woods. That way, I can charge in and start smashing people up with my truncheon. No questions asked. I start with the DJ and his equipment. Then move on to the dance floor where heads will roll. However, if I am feeling a bit horny and energised, I will work festivals which are full of young sluts who love a bit of my uniform.”
Too old to go to raves, too young to retire from them. Where does that leave me? Writing for Wunderground.