A British man has accidentally torn off his own fingernails while trying to open a really, really well tied bag of coke.
30-year-old Tim Williams, a City of London worker from Kent, bought the baggie which he then tried to open in the cubicle of an exclusive Kensington nightclub when the incident happened.
“One second Tim was going to the toilet to rack out some chunky lines of charlie,” claimed witness and friend, Andrew Browne, himself a banker and therefore cunt. “Next thing I hear this god awful scream and think he must have caught his uncircumcised chlamydia stick in his fly. So then he’s stumbling from the toilet, crying, with blood pissing from his hands and just two fleshy red welts where both his thumbnails used to be.”
“I didn’t know what happened at first,” continued Andrew, “but I managed to get the baggie out of his pocket just as he was being put into the ambulance cause I didn’t want it to go to waste and I had a bird with me who I was keen to impress.”
“It was then that I saw how ridiculously tightly the bag was tied and knew that was the culprit,” he added before claiming that he had to open the bag using a sharp knife and a chopping board.
A reported 10,000 people per year worldwide will suffer a fingernail injury as a result of trying to open a cocaine baggie that has been tied too tight, most of those occur in the UK and Europe where torn up pieces of shopping bag are the preferred baggies.
The man responsible for tying the bag of coke, local dealer Alex Young, has been arrested on charges of criminal negligence for tying the baggie so tight.
“Tying a bag really tight, while it prevents spillage, is a danger to cocaine users everywhere, not to mention annoying,” he added. “I hope that bastard hangs for this, history has thrown up some monsters but none should be more vilified than dealers who tie bags tight making you suffer mild annoyance as you fidget about a cubicle trying to untie the bag before just saying ‘fuck it’ and ripping it with your teeth.”
Doctors treating Tim have said that luckily for him he didn’t rip out the nail root and that they should grow back within two months, during which time they recommend he requests his cocaine to be packaged in ziplock baggies.
