A man from Galway, Ireland, has claimed to be the son of God after miraculously turning two bottles of wine into almost half a litre of piss.
Peter Toolin is believed to have been having “the gas craic” with a group of friends in his home last night when he made the audacious claims.
“There was a group of us just sitting around, having a few drinks and watching some TV last night,” explained housemate Deirdre Reilly. “Every year on Valentine’s day we all get together and have a drink, it’s kind of an anti Valentine’s day celebration, in protest of the corporate fever that grips the world every year on the 14 February, nothing to do with the fact that we’re all pathetically undateable.”
“I’d say we were all about two or three bottles deep, we we’re taking it easy because it was a Sunday, when Peter burst in the door and started shouting that he was the son of the God,” continued a slightly hungover looking Deirdre. “At first I thought he was having another one of his acid flashbacks, he always thinks he’s some sort of god or ghost or monster during those but he was actually being quite coherent and insistent that he’d just performed a miracle.”
“Naturally, we all just presumed he was talking shite,” revealed a skeptical Ms. Reilly. “Miracles only happened in the olden days, like when God killed all the dinosaurs or when Harold Bishop came back from the dead in Neighbours, they just don’t happen anymore, I think it might be something to do with global warming, but he kept going on and on about it and said he even had proof.”
“Eventually he convinced us to go and check out the bathroom and sure enough there, sitting in the toilet, was a full half litre of piss,” claimed Deirdre. “Now I’m no expert in biology or miracles but a man turning wine into piss like that seems pretty impressive to me. They’re two completely different liquids and he was able to do it without any scientific equipment.”
“That’s every bit as believable and just as practical as any of the miracles Jesus or God or any of those Bible lads ever done. So who’s to say Peter isn’t the son of God? I always thought he had scraggy long hair and bushy beard because he was a bit of a slob, but who knows? You just can’t be sure about anything these days.”
According to Peter, other miracles he plans on attempting to prove his Godliness include; “feeding ten lads with one pack of catering sausages”, “turning water in Ribena”, “setting a bush on fire and getting off [his] face on 2cb until the bush talks” and “sticking two cats in a canoe”.
