An Englishman who has been happily wanking to Facebook ever since he discovered it in 2010 has admitted that he was ‘devastated’ after discovering that it was only ten years old earlier this week.
“The balmy night of May 27th 2010 is one I’ll never forget,” explained Londoner John Terry. “It’s when I came across Facebook for the first time and changed my wanking experience forever. Before then if I wanted to wank about women I knew I had to do it using my imagination, which isn’t great, or from behind a bush, or forgo the wanking completely and just have sex with colleagues’ wives, which can be difficult.”
“Before Facebook came along I’d pretty much used up all the wanking resources I had at my disposal, the internet has practically killed my imagination and porn just wasn’t doing it for me anymore,” explained Mr. Terry (33). “But when I discovered Facebook it was like learning how to wank all over again. I was coming harder than I’d ever came outside of a lad’s dressing room. It was a spiritual and sexual re-awankening.”
“It was a really amazing time for me, my career was going really well and the wanking was out of this world,” he continued. “I’d discovered some really hot holiday snaps of a work colleague’s wife. She was so gorgeous and really helped to bridge the gap between a monotonous forced wank and a – top of the range, you’re cleaning spunk off the ceiling in a satisfied daze – type of wank.”
“After that nobody’s friends, sisters, mothers, aunties, grannies, work mates, friends of friend’s, neighbours or anyone who has a picture on Facebook were safe from my wanking fantasies,” he lustfully recounted. “And that list could go on all day, I’ve gone deep into the depths of Facebook to make sure no two wanks are the same.”
“And then all of a sudden I’m cruising through a group of random Indian ladies looking for my latest date when Facebook drops an absolute bomb on my boner by telling me that today was its tenth birthday,” he gasped with despair. “I don’t think there’s anything worse, for a wank, then discovering you’ve been pulling yourself off to a ten year old website for the last four years.”
