A young festival goer has sadly passed away after he suffered an accidental overdose at the Lunar Dance Carnival in Basingstoke when paramedics refused to treat the teenager after catching sight of his mildly soiled underwear.
19 year old Daniel Harris was enjoying the festival with friends when according to witnesses he took a cocktail of ecstasy and mephedrone before collapsing near the back of the dance tent where friends assumed he “was just having a disco nap” before security called the paramedics who began to treat Mr. Harris only to stop when a routine underwear check uncovered sub par underwear.
“We have a strict policy when dealing with patients that they must wear clean underwear at all times in case they get into some kind of accident where they hurt themselves and paramedics will have to see their dirty underwear,” claimed the chief paramedic on the scene Bernie Marshall, who is under investigation for willful negligence by Basingstoke Constabulary. “We even urge over bearing mothers to consistently warn their children about the dangers of wearing dirty underwear such as public embarrassment should people have to see them in the event of an injury, having an itchy arsehole and even, as in this case, death.”
Mr. Marshall claimed that Mr. Harris had several unsightly stains on his underwear with “trickles of off yellow dried piss around the gusset” as well as some “fairly robust skidmarks along the crack area where the kid obviously hadn’t wiped his bum hole correctly”.
“This lack of consideration for the paramedics who have to treat you and may have to handle your soiled underwear is just a flagrant disregard for our profession and I for one am not above letting someone die for this slight infraction,” declared Mr. Marshall who insists that until people start changing their underwear daily he will be maintaining the same stance. “I also suspect that he may have been on his second or even third day of the underwear because they were turned inside out and back to front and we also noticed that his sleeve was crusted in snot from where he’d been blowing his nose or, with kids these days, probably someone else’s. It was disgraceful.”
“I blame the mother for not warning the kid or showing him how to wipe properly,” added Mr. Marshall. “His death reflects her failings as a parent if I’m honest.”
The dead teenager’s mother was philosophical about her son’s tragic death insisting that “he brought it on himself” with his reckless disregard for a nagging mother’s obsession with underwear etiquette.
“I’ve been telling him all his life to make sure he wears changes his underwear every day in case he gets hit by a car or falls off the swing,” wept Mrs. Harris, “because if he didn’t then when he was in the hospital all the doctors and nurses would be able to see on his underwear that he didn’t wipe himself properly and think I’m an unfit mother.”
It is suspected that the ultimate cause of death may not have been from the accidental drug overdose as originally suspected on site but may have been a result of acute embarrassment suffered by the victim when the medical professional saw his ratty old dirty underwear.
“At some point though,” concluded a tearful Mrs. Harris, “you’ve got to cut the apron strings and hope that they’ll clean behind their ears, brush their teeth and wear underwear that isn’t crusted in the residue of a rushed wipe job so that they don’t die embarrassingly, like Elvis, or needlessly like a Palestinian.”
A festival spokesperson has claimed that an internal investigation will be conducted into the events but insisted that all attendees should maintain good hygiene standards by having clean arses in the case of an accident and that if they don’t “they’re asking for trouble and their Mammies will be mortified”.
