A young man has reportedly “wanked himself into a coma” today after being left alone with a laptop for five minutes.
The incident, believed to have taken place this morning while his girlfriend was in the shower, has been described as tragic but completely unexpected by friends and family.
According to friends Alex Browne has a long history of what doctors and psychologists have described as an “internet porn dick twitch” which means that his brain only associates laptops with pornography which causes him to immediately browse for internet pornography the second he’s left alone with a laptop, smart phone or saucy playing cards – a condition which doctors claim an estimated 100% of men are afflicted with.
“I came out of the shower and found him lying on the bed unconscious with his penis in his hand and semen covering his belly, chest and chin,” described a distraught Angela who claimed that her and Alex had only had sex an hour or so before the incident, but that Alex was incorrigible when it came to internet porn.
“I thought he was joking around and that when I looked closely I’d see that the semen was Dove Moisturizing Cream but it was definitely semen,” she explained, “I could tell from how it smelled and tasted and how when I rubbed it into my cheek it didn’t moisturise my face.”
“It dried it out even more if anything,” she added, weeping.
Angela claims that once she had established that Alex wasn’t kidding around she spent “the better part of an hour” cleaning up the “man-butter” and closed down a reported “fifteen tabs of various porn sites” ranging from inter-racial gangbangs to midget porn which according to a tearful Angela was Alex’s “favourite”.
“It’s not the first time I’ve caught him wanking,” wept Angela who says she frequently found Alex indulging himself in man time in the shower, in the shed or under the stairs, “but it is the first time he’s wanked himself into a life threatening coma.”
Doctors are not sure how Alex managed to wank himself into a coma but are placing bets that it was either “an aneurysm caused by too strong an orgasm or that he took some blunt force trauma to the head when he fell back post-wankal”.
A stark warning was issued by doctor’s attending Alex to men everywhere informing them to “take it easy on the ole dick pulling, because while it won’t fall off and you might not go blind you might very well wank yourself to death”.
