A man has been left regretting the decision to buy a fourth bag of coke last night, and a number of other life choices he has made in the last three years, after checking his bank balance earlier today.
Martin Spencer was shocked to see a balance of just £6.74 available in his bank account despite being paid almost £500 on Friday morning.
“I’ve totally fucked myself over mate, I haven’t got a fucking penny until I get paid next week. There’s no food in the house, I need to top up my Oyster Card and, worst of all, I still owe my dealer for a couple of bags I got on tic last weekend. I’m such a bellend,” explained a slightly worried looking Mr Spencer.
“I have to stop going straight out after work on Fridays,” continued Spencer, a London based insurance salesman. “Every week I tell myself I won’t go for a drink after work, then, I’ll slowly convince myself that I’ll go for one, and that this’ll be the week where one actually means one, but in reality I know from the start that I’m going to end up on a bender that’ll see me drink my body weight in vodka and buying random bags of anything I can get my hands on.”
“If I wasn’t such a legend and proper top bloke I’d say that I have a bit of a drink and drug problem,” admitted Spencer, who was already ”putting the feelers out” for a Saturday afternoon drinking buddy despite his dire financial situation. “But that sort of thing doesn’t happen to people like me, you have to be poor, or northern, to fall into that trap, thank fuck I’m neither of those things or I’d be screwed.”
Spencer continued, “What I really need now is a lend of a ton or two, a few cold pints and a couple of cheeky lines. That’ll get me right out of this horrible situation.”
“You couldn’t spot me the price of a couple of pints could you?”
