An unfortunate man who was stuck beside a “smelly psytrance fan” on a packed London tube this morning was secretly hoping for a terrorist attack, it has emerged.
James Richards was making his daily journey from South Kenton to Oxford Circus on the Underground’s Bakerloo line when he encountered the “crusty cyber hippy”.
“I hate Tuesday’s at the best of times,” confirmed Mr. Richards in an exclusive interview with Wunderground. “They’re bad enough after a normal weekend’s debauchery but when it’s after nearly two weeks of drinking, eating shit and snorting copious amounts of narcotics, all held together by a body clock that may as well have just come off a trans-Pacific flight, there’s literally nothing worse in the world.”
“Tubes are horrible places when you’re suffering from the fear,” continued Mr. Richards. “I generally try to get on, grab a corner and put my head down until I hear the beautiful tones of that announcer bird’s voice saying ‘next stop Oxford circus’ but my plans for doing that today were totally dashed when a dreadlocked psytrance fan got on at Queen’s Park and stood right beside me.”
“It was horrible, the air was hot and damp and I could feel his musk burning into my nose and throat,” explained a disgusted Mr. Richards. “He smelled like a cocktail of cheap booze, stale rolling tobacco and soil and I just wanted the ground to swallow me up. It was horrible.”
“I’m probably being a little over dramatic because it’s Tuesday and I temporarily hate my life,” he claimed, “but for a few minutes I was actually hoping for a terrorist attack. I just wanted anything to get me away from that moment and I gladly would have embraced the obscurities of Islamic extremism if it had got me out of there.”
“I remember thinking ‘those ISIS lads are so unreliable’,” revealed Richards. “Now that I’ve got to work and had a coffee I’m pretty glad it didn’t happen, I suppose some slight discomfort is a small price to pay for everyone arriving at their destination alive but for those few moments I was all about the complete destruction of the west, Tuesday morning emotions can be really weird.”
Unconfirmed reports indicate that Mr. Richards will take the bus home from work, after stopping at his favourite public house for a “beer or three” to take the edge of an extremely stressful day.
