A young hipster who struggles to grow a beard is reportedly feeling left out of the current male fashion trend of wearing a large fully grown beard as modeled by such luminaries of the fashion world as Brad Pitt, your man from Donnie Darko, the idiot in the photo accompanying this article and Santa.
“I can grow a moustache fine but just not a beard,” explained self confessed fashionista Dale Adams, who claims he hasn’t shaved in two years in a bid to grow a beard but so far has failed miserably. “All I get is a patchy mess that looks more like Sky Sports presenter Richard Keys’ hands than a human’s face, and that’s just not good enough if I want to be abreast of current fashion trends.”
Dale has admitted that hipster friends have begun ostracizing him due to his inability to grow a beard by calling him “a fresh faced bare cheeked cunt” and not inviting him to their social events like fixie admiring parties, ironic line dancing and sneering, while also spreading rumours that he “still listens to Kings of Leon”.
“Well there’s a test that they do to see if your beard is hipster enough where they stick a HB pencil through your facial hair and see how long it can stay in there for,” continued Dale. “If the pencil stays in for the length of time it takes to say the sentence ‘their first album is amazing, but I don’t think you’d be into them’, which takes roughly 5 seconds, then you’ve passed.”
“Mine fell out before it was even in, like a beer sodden soft cock,” he added.
“I’ve tried everything from using moustache wax to comb my moustache over my face like a beard, but everyone notices and just says things like ‘you’ve got a chin like Bobby Charlton’s head’ and laughs,” he wept. “It’s just patchy and crap, if I don’t grow a beard soon then I’m going to lose my hipster credentials forever.”
Dale admitted that he is considering his “drastic and unnecessarily dangerous surgical options” after attempts to promote facial hair growth my rubbing semen into his chin and supergluing pubes to his face were unsuccessful.
“I’ve spoken to the doctors and they said I can use died sheep’s wool injected into my face as a beard replacement so I’m having the therapy next week,” concluded Dale. “There’s a 90% chance that the sheep DNA will make me more suggestible and prone to following crowds, but I can’t see that being a problem for me.”
