A man who sniffed a full gram of horse tranquiliser in under ten minutes has claimed that a bloke he recently met at a house party, who doesn’t drink, is weird.
Dubliner Michael Morrissey, a thirty year old construction worker, described Aaron Whelan as a “weirdo” and “untrustworthy” based on nothing other than the fact that he does not drink alcohol.
“I’ll tell you what, there’s something awful peculiar about people who don’t drink, awful peculiar indeed,” said Mr. Morrissey during a chat with Wunderground. “I just don’t get it, do they think they’re better than everyone else or something? What’s wrong with having a little drink? Nothing. There’s no way I’d trust anyone who didn’t drink at least once a week. There’s something fishy going on there if you ask me.”
“What I want to know is; what the fuck does that Aaron fella be doing at the weekend to help him forget about how shit the rest of his life is?” he asked. “If it was me, and I didn’t drink, my weekend would be spent dreading the thoughts of going back onto a windy, wet, cold, shitty building site on Monday morning. At least with a load of gargles and a few grams of ket in me I can distract myself from the reality that my life is shit and enjoy myself for a couple of days.”
“As far as I’m concerned there’s only two types of people in this world who don’t drink,” continued Morrissey. “Muslims and weirdos and I don’t trust either of them as far as I could throw them. They’ll say ‘oh it’s my religion’ or ‘it’s bad for my health’ but sure didn’t Jesus turn water into wine and what about ‘an apple a day keeps the doctor away’? Would you not drink a drop a cider for fuck’s sake?”
“I’m not having it. There’s no way I could be friends with someone who doesn’t drink. First of all, they’re hardly gonna be much fucking craic are they? And secondly, I wouldn’t want to be sitting with someone watching and judging every sip I take. I already know I drink too much and take too many drugs, the last thing I need is some cunt’s sober, condescending eyes reminding me of it every two seconds.”
According to Mr. Morrissey, other things that make people weird include; not resenting your children, liking your job, believing that politicians want what’s best for you, going to mass, respecting authority and ironing t-shirts.
