A young man who managed to avoid the temptation of drinking “for the whole weekend” is today being widely praised for what people are considering some kind of achievement.
Francis Byrne, seen here modelling a fetching goatee, claims he got the idea to give up drinking for a whole 72 hours after realising he had no money to go out and “fancying a weekend off the sauce before the summer partying season kicked in”.
“I just thought I wanted to test myself and become an example for other young people through what I’ve achieved,” explained Francis who says that his period of sobriety stretched all the way from “last Sunday week to last night” and in that whole time he has somehow managed to not drink alcohol. “I know it seems crazy when you explain it to people but it’s really what I did. I feel incredible.”
Francis says he still has to “pinch himself to make sure it’s real” and that he is looking forward to nothing more than “strutting into work and responding to questions of what I did over the weekend with a shrug before off-handedly boasting that I’m fresh as a daisy cause I didn’t touch a drop”.
“I feel like I’ve really accomplished something special,” continued Francis, “when you set your mind out to do something like not drink for a short period of time and then follow through with it you really exceed all your expectations of yourself and it’s tremendous feeling, much like climbing Everest or swimming the English channel, except more better.”
Francis insists that his initial plan was just to stay in on a Friday night but decided to go for the full weekend thinking “never in [his] wildest dreams” would he be able to remain sober for an entire weekend without “going mad or dying of boredom”.
“It wasn’t easy to watch,” admitted Francis’s girlfriend Bruce. “He was tense all weekend, biting his fingernails and being unable to sit still. There were at least four scares where he almost consumed alcohol by going for a pint or drinking Windolene but he held on and I’m so proud of him.”
Declared by local politicians as “one of the finest young men of his generation” following the achievement Francis has been described as “a true inspiration for young people that with the right spirit and perseverance they too can be boring and not drink for two measly days every once in a while”.
“I’m going to celebrate by getting absolutely, utterly shite-faced,” concluded Francis, clutching a bottle of Buckfast tonic wine to his breast and panting. “I’ve booked today and tomorrow off work for the celebrations but look, I’ve done something really special by not drinking for two full days and Friday night so I think I deserve it.”
