A local man, who seemed to be crying at a recent performance by emotive Icelandic songstress, Bjork, has claimed that, in spite of what people are saying, he merely happened to be yawning at a highly moving part of the show by coincidence.
Matt Coleman, who had been attending the gig with his girlfriend Susan Jacob, has rejected any claims that he was moved to tears during the show. “Look I wasn’t crying. I genuinely was yawning. And only because I was tired from my manly job as a receptionist at a local salon,” claimed Matt. “I mean sure Venus As A Boy is a powerful song and does trigger memories of my childhood when bullies dressed me as a girl and called me Matilda for 7 years but that didn’t even enter into my head during the show.”
“Everyone is saying that I was crying but it’s bullshit. I work out all the time so how could a guy who works out be crying at a show?” he questioned. “And on that particular night I just happened to be yawning and I had something in my eye at the same time. It could happen to any other guy out there.”
“People have been saying ‘Oh I’ve seen you crying a bunch of times at sad films or at your Dad’s funeral’ but they’re just plain wrong. I was yawning or had something in my eye all of those times,” asserted Matt. “Yes there is no science to support the possibility of humans being able to yawn for minutes at a time but there’s no science to support the existence of Father Christmas, and he’s real.”
“If you checked my handkerchief or sleeve during any of these so-called ‘crying incidents’ then all you’d find is some snot, ketchup and maybe a tiny amount of semen,” assured Matt.
Matt’s girlfriend, Susan refuted Matt’s claims and suggested that he cries quite a bit. “Sometimes he cries after sex when it’s been especially passionate and emotional,” said Susan. “One time he cried before sex. Which was something of a turn on. But usually if he cries after sex then I’ll just hold him in my arms until he stops whimpering and then head to the bathroom to finish myself off.”
“Look, I’m a man okay,” claimed a frustrated Matt. “I don’t just cry at genuinely moving moments like some kind of sissy. I am in complete control over my emotions at all times,” concluded Matt while screaming and tearfully punching a nearby wall.
