It has been confirmed that since London nightclub Fabric has been closed, sales of MDMA are down 100000% in the London area.
A joint statement was released this afternoon by Islington Council and the Metropolitan Police highlighting the fact that they were “right all along about Fabric being a shit hole” and that “London will now prosper without people practicing the art of listening to devil music”.
The land is expected to be sold and turned into luxury flats for Russian billionaire playboys to use for their high class escorts and cocaine parties, which is seen as a progressive step by all within the local authority.
“This is a day of celebration for all of my squad,” said a delighted Lesley Seary, Chief Executive of Islington Council. “We knew that with Fabric going, it would eradicate not only all drug problems locally, but all problems in general. Everybody in London received a pay rise at work, there are no more homeless people on the streets, the need for food-banks is over, and children are one hundred percent safe from paedophiles – all thanks to the closure of Fabric.”
“Just this morning Holborn Police Station had over seven hundred drug dealers turn themselves in,” continued Lesley. “They quite literally went to the front desk, handed over their stash and begged to be put in jail. This wouldn’t have happened if Fabric was still open.”
Wunderground managed to speak with local MP Emily Thornburry who struggled to hold back her tears of joy, “What a monumentus victory for the real people of London, like me,” gloated Emily. “Since Fabric closed I can confirm that ninety thousand Londoners in their mid-twenties have checked themselves into rehab to kick their nasty habits. Drug sales are down, drug dealers are behind bars and London is the safest place on earth to live.”
