A friendly and “genuinely nice” local doorman has been told by his superiors to “get lessons in being more of a belligerent cunt” or risk losing his job.
Drama student, Michael Murray, first took up bouncing two months ago, taking advantage of his rugby player build to earn some extra cash, but has been told that his “polite and courteous” methods have made him a loose cannon and that he “needs to act like a fat necked thug” if he wants to hang onto his job.
“I was being too nice to people by treating them courteously and being respectful if I had to search them for weapons or drugs, generally ensuring they had a good incident free night by using my words and manners.”
“The request to get cunt training came as something of a shock,” explained Michael. “I thought I was doing a decent job. I’ve got good interpersonal skills, I respect people and always try to be polite and mannerly like my Mum taught me, but apparently that’s not what the job is about. They’re more interested in having a self important, uncommunicative meat head working the door. That’s a direct quote.”
Michael said that he was called into his boss’s office for a fortnightly review when his boss noticed that he’d had no incidents of violence or complaints made against him for being heavy handed with paying customers. “I thought that was a good thing, I was chuffed,” enthused Michael. “But then he slammed the ledger closed and told me that my performance wasn’t acceptable and that I better shape up or ship out.”
“That was when he told me he’d fire me unless I attend cunt school,” he added. “He had a brochure for it any everything.”
Michael has been attending Danny “facking” Dyer’s Wide Boy School For Belligerence & Acting for the last two weeks and said that while he’s trying his best, his genuine good nature is making it difficult for him to settle.
“It’s a really prestigious school run by sometime DJ and human caricature Danny Dyer that provides lessons in how to be more of a cunt,” explained Michael. “I’m finding it a bit tough because I don’t identify with being a cunt or have a cowardly insecurity that forces me to act cuntish, like most natural cunts, so I’m having to fake it to an extent.”
“The classes are quite comprehensive and detailed. They’re teaching me how to not listen to people, how to stubbornly intimidate them, how to carry myself self importantly, the best way to shave my head in a hurry, things like that,” detailed Michael. “There’s also loads of fight training which typically involves needlessly overpowering much weaker sparring partners and putting a knee into someone’s shoulder blades while grinning.”
“It’s tough and I don’t like doing it, but I don’t want to lose the job,” he concluded. “I’ll stick with it, some of the instructors are saying that apparently my training would be useful for getting other jobs, like if I ever wanted to join the police force, or get acting work as an East End thug in Guy Ritchie films, or become a hired goon.”
