Britain’s favourite baker, Mr Kipling, has announced that he is set to launch a brand new range of hash brownies.
Sources within Mr Kipling’s company, claim the baker has sourced some “exceedingly good hash” in northern Africa and is planning to open a new factory there to produce the hash brownies.
“Kippy (Mr Kipling) loves a good toke,” claimed Mr Kipling’s vice chairman Clive Stokes. “When I first applied for a job with him, the only thing he asked me during my interview was ‘can you roll spliffs?’ I wasn’t sure if it was some sort of test or not but I went with my gut instinct and told him yes. Thankfully, he hired me there and then, I spent the first eight years of employment as his personal spliff roller and I haven’t looked back since.”
“He’s proper old school too, he doesn’t go in for any of that grass stuff, he only like big blocks of smelly hash,” continued Mr Stokes. “Basically, if it doesn’t have lumps of plastic, rubber and stone in it, he doesn’t want to know about it. He spends most of his time in Morocco nowadays and, since he’s been over there, he claims he’s developed the ultimate hash brownie recipe.”
Mr Kipling, who has become a bit of a recluse in recent years, agreed to talk to Wunderground from behind a six-foot wall of Battenberg cakes, “There’s two things I love in this world; cakes and hash. I’ve been sharing my cakes with the world since the sixties and now I feel it’s time to share hash with the world too.”
“I moved out here to Morocco about ten years ago, in that time I’ve smoked over six hundred different types of hash and baked about half a million brownies,” continued Kipling while passing us French Fancies through a small opening in the Battenberg wall. “Eventually, I found the perfect recipe and the perfect hash and I’ll be starting production on the brownies once my factory is built this summer.”
According to reports, Mr Kipling plans on beating drug laws by marketing his brownies as “medicinal confectionary, guaranteed to cure chronic boredom”.