DJing equipment giant Native Instruments is today making the stunning offer of a “pathetic, failed excuse for a DJ career” to every single one of their customers who purchase from their extensive range of DJing gear like Traktor hardware and software.
“Almost 99.5% of the purchases of DJing equipment made from Native Instruments include a failed career as a DJ for those purchasers,” claimed Native Instruments spokesperson Blaine Johnson, who himself was rewarded with a brief and regrettable foray into DJing when he bought a Traktor Kontroller S4 in 2012 which saw him play a few house parties to impress girls before settling down with one he inadvertently knocked up.
“There is a small 0.5% of purchases that do result in a successful DJ career but they’re usually made up of people that learned how to mix properly using vinyl and are using Traktor to complement their skills.”
Customers are reportedly delighted that Native Instruments have decided to include some real world experience with every purchase of their products particularly in the current cutthroat market place.
“I’ve always wanted to mess around on the decks for a few years, eventually getting to support someone big before subsequently losing interest and getting a proper job that doesn’t pay in pints and guest list,” claimed one fan. “It’s great that Native Instruments are giving so many young people the chance to give up at something.”
“It’s fantastic for them to provide this service,” he added. “If it wasn’t for Native Instruments I never would have learned that extremely unlikely pipe dreams of being an internationally regarded DJ are a waste of time.”
It is believed that the failed DJ career can materialise any time after the initial purchase – with some customers failed DJ careers lasting decades while others have given up in one solitary Christmas afternoon.
You can purchase a failed DJ career simply by visiting the Native Instruments homepage, purchasing anything you see and then making a half arsed non-committal attempt to master it before giving up and leaving the equipment to gather dust next to your childhood magic set, guitar and unicycle.
Do you know if Serato will be making a version? :p
Maybe someone forgot to tell these people that the gear it self doesn’t do anything. If you lack a vision what to do and music knowledge you have already failed. I personally love the NI Traktor Pro and have only scratched the surface what you can do with it. I highly regard people with vinyl background. I`m still frustrated of the fact that never go that path (even had a chance for it). Yes its made so simple to start these days but after starting nothing is simple!
“Don’t judge a DJ by the device he or she is using. The audience will.”
Sure…Equipment doesn’t matter if you play well,and have great audience.. i saw many “great” dj play with x1 or use some F1 in their setup.. these are good stuff if you are not an idiot.. or noob.. and expensive gear means nothing if you have not the skills to use them well..
racecar drivers need the right tool – the racecar. how can you win a race with sportscars if you are still using a bike? if the right equipment falls into the “right” hands, then, it’s another story. I’ve been using cassette tapes, vinyl, cdj’s, all sorts of format, and many people call me talentless and some say I just rely on these tools, but being a bedroom dj for almost 25 years, I have learned to use the equipments. not to rely on them, but just like a driver, “drive” them.
native instruments i swear by it ,, i still wanna give serato a go but money to buy gears is a mission in new zealand ,,,pioneer cdjs are hardcore expensive,,,,,i aint a dj im a music lover but it sure has helped me survive when u have a family to support and native instruments prices are awesome to get started,,,and i havnt seen much djs do wat mad zach does with native instruments s2,s4 so creative ,,jeremy ellis amazing,,,but hey the world needs haters to make the hated stronger
Scary how many people commenting have missed the point by a scary distance!! do you not get satire?
Sarcasm doesn’t translate very well when English isn’t your first language… I never did get a unicycle ~=0 p
Haha, I was thinking this same thing while reading these comments. My god!
Might have been better to call them Naïve Instruments 😉
Djing is not just about being famous. It’s about having fun listening to music. I’d love to djing at home, by myself. With djing you listen carefully to each music. It’s like study the music and discover new details every time you listen to it. Well, djing is for those who really loves music, not audience, not fame.
Meanwhile it’s just a way for talentless shrews to say they have talent. Sorta like you.
Everybody has the right to have fun. Even talentless people.
I guess assholes have a say right?
Clearly you wouldn’t be flapping yours if that wasn’t true….
Wow, dick, he brings up a good point, unlike lame-ass, anonymous internet trolls. Sorta like you.
Not all DJs plan to DJ forever.
I certainly don’t DJ to become a millionaire.
Hahahahaha says the person that cant play machine !!!!!!!!!! If u 2 weak 2 play dont complain
Playing on system or on Native is not an Important thing!!!!! But to Know How to play on both is important!!! Dj’s dsn’t judge by his system or a controller they judge by there music skills!!!
This is very funny, so many missed the point of the article. I have been DJing for 30 yrs. I get requested to DJ all the time, even if I wanted to give up my fans wouldn’t let me. The point of the article is how many ppl purchase DJ equipment with no clue of how to DJ. I can DJ with pretty much anything and have done so with 2 5 disc CD changers and a cheap mixer and rocked the party. The equipment doesn’t make the DJ, the DJ works the equipment!
It’s not about FAME although it’s fun to play big gigs. It’s not about MONEY although it’s nice when you make it. The dj’s that just love their music to the point that it keeps them up at night, and the dj’s who are interacting with the music in an artistic way won’t agree with this article at all. It’s about ART. There is no failure in art.
ho really love gig, dont get the need to became a pro….juts gig…i love get home afther a work day and mix the tracks i really won’t,wend i wont, how i want…………
lololol
When you buy something to help you with your sets you have to be all ready a dj . A controler or a program doesn’t make you one . Every kid that buys a laptop becomes a dj in a week or two . No . You are buyers not djs . Native Instruments makes gear for dj’s . Its not hogwards . When you retards buy something from them you don’t become a dj immediately . It takes years of hard practice . Regarding the artical writer … sorry dude . Though luck .
kids just want to press buttons 😀
This is the most rediculous article i have ever seen. Native Instruments makes DJ equipment… Your paying for the equipment and tools to do as you wish with, not a college degree.
Really?…………I think they get rid of Traktor Mixer due to lack of sales……LOL!
Well written, great sense of humour. Thanks for sharing. Love articles like this. People so quickly drop money on a fad and hope but don’t plan and wonder why they fail. Wrote a bit more about that here: http://bit.ly/1qml166