Wunderground has today received reports that the new line of Pioneer CDJs are set to “completely revolutionize the way in which DJs press some buttons to make music come out of some speakers”.
The Pioneer Nexus7, set to be released some time next year following an extensive promotional drive which will see samples being shipped to taste making DJs to promote, is being touted as the best thing to happen to DJing since Grand Wizard Theodore slipped when playing a record and accidentally invented scratching.
“The new CDJs are like everything you’ve seen before except they’re also like nothing you’ve seen before,” explained Pioneer spokesperson Andrew Best. “These CDJs will make a guy pressing some buttons and tweaking some knobs seem like a guy pressing buttons and tweaking knobs except much cooler.”
“We can’t over emphasise how absolutely game changing these new CDJs are,” he gushed ecstatically. “It’s like we reinvented the wheel, and made it almost exactly the same as the wheel except also made it imperceptibly better.”
According to the Pioneer press release the Nexus7 will be capable of functions that regular CDJs have never had the capacity for such as remote control mixing, voice command and a Blue Tooth to brain interface that lets you mix by thinking.
“It’s got so many different functions, its functions have functions,” added Andrew.
“The new CDJs will also come equipped with 4 CD decks, 2 record decks, 15 USB slots, a vision mixer, coffee grinder, cup holder and back massager,” continued Andrew. “You can take it camping where it doubles up as a stove and a mobile shower unit, all while it’s still operational as a mixer.”
“A mixing setup needs to be more than just that, it needs to encapsulate every aspect of the human experience,” concluded Andrew. “All the CDJs will have a power saving mechanism built into them so that it knows when you haven’t touched it in a while to hibernate and save on power by lounging in a hammock where it will write sophisticated poetry and paint pastoral scenes until you’re ready to use it again.”
The Pioneer Nexus7 will be available following a lengthy campaign of teasing press shots in time for Christmas.
