In a further debasement of any integrity that commercial dance music may have had left it was announced today that DJ Mag top 10 DJ Nicky Romero is to use his forehead to sell advertising space.
The forehead, measuring about 13cm squared, or 5.5 inches, or the length and girth of an average man’s penis, is widely regarded as the biggest one in dance music and as such has been the envy of many would-be face advertisers who view the exposure it receives at Nicky Romero shows as highly valuable.
“A forehead like that, for advertisers, is like a blank canvas to a painter,” claimed the advertising executive who will be using Nicky’s forehead as his client. “In traditional terms it’s about as valuable as having your company’s logo scrawled across Rihanna’s tits on the front page of Playboy, or having a billboard that instead of just sitting there waiting for bored drivers to pass by, walks around talking and playing DJ sets.”
“This is the next logical step in advertising,” he continued. “Pretty soon every person in the world will forgo their own face for a company’s logo, or for a movie trailer. Some might even have an advert that’s just the holographic of a movie star’s face superimposed onto their own face and be contractually obliged to interrupt whatever they’re doing every 5 minutes to announce when Tom Cruise’s next film is out or when the new Calvin Harris Greatest Hits compilation is out.”
Nicky himself said he got the idea for using his forehead to sell shit when he noticed the increased branding among the dance music community itself as well as figuring it was a good, large and public place on which to fit a prominent advertisement.
“I looked at Avicii selling condoms, Daft Punk selling their fabricated mystery and Steve Aoki selling everything and thought to myself, what have I got to sell that they don’t?” mused Nicky in an interview with Wunderground earlier today. “And the answer, of course, is my ridiculously big, bony forehead.”
Some of the adverts that Nicky is rumoured to have lined up include – a prominent public health display on the dangers of contracting chlamydia from DJs, bags that are specially made for the collection of dog faeces and a full face ad for the new One Direction album.
Fellow DJs in the EDM community have all expressed an interest in becoming involved claiming “it’s like wearing a branded t-shirt for your face” and that it seems “like a good way to capitalise on our fleeting careers before the whole EDM explosion disappears up its own rectal cavity – most likely because of extravagant attempts to monetize every facet, and face, of the scene, much like this exact development”.
Nicky will debut his face advert at an upcoming gig with many speculating that he is set to collect a whopping $50,000 just to have the name of a company tattooed on his own face – “I’ll have to go for costly, potentially dangerous laser removal surgery but hey, it’s a job”.
“Who’s to say I’ll stop there, I’ve got a chest too, I can go topless for a few gigs, a few extra grand, be totally worth it,” he concluded while a tattoo artist scrawled the words Nivea for Men into his bloody forehead. “I’m pretty much willing to do anything, tattoo any part of my face, body or balls, for money.”
