A report published this week by the International Centre For Child Development claims that “not enough children are sniffing glue”, and that it’s having devastating consequences on their lives.
“In the 80s and 90s heyday of solvent abuse as much as 60% of 12 – 15 year old kids were experiencing their first highs in the supply rooms of art classes or bedrooms across the world,” claimed study leader Dr. Adam Essive. “I have fond memories of lying on my bedroom floor, an unassembled Messerschmitt model plane between my legs and a bottle of high strength glue in my hands, zonked in a barely conscious stupor – those were happy, happy times.”
Nowadays, continues Dr. Ad Essive, kids across the world are more likely to seek pleasure in the flabby arms of video games and chocolate as opposed to head melting household solvents – which he claims is leading to dramatic weight increases across all ages.
“Sniffing glue and other solvents are a key part of the dying childhood practice of ‘playing outside,'” continued the doctor. “With the rise of home entertainment systems and the internet, kids aren’t making the basic but necessary discoveries of things around the shed that get you stoned and as a result aren’t playing outside – choosing instead to become mini-Walruses who perch on bean bags mashing joypads all day while eating Findus Crispy Pancakes and only using their noses to wheeze asthmatically instead of inhaling healthy, natural glue.”
“It’s shocking,” he added, “they don’t even do aerosols or try cannabis so that by the time they turn 18 they’ve already developed Type 2 diabetes and have become anti-social, secluded virgins.”
In 1995 the number of children who were hospitalised with tubes of glue stuck to their noses stood at 62,ooo per year but according to Dr. Essive’s report that number now stands as low as 500 per annum – “and most of those are marginalised inner city kids who’d probably have gotten into drugs anyway and weren’t that fat to begin with”.
In order to stem the tide of childhood fatness, Dr. Essive, has set up an initiative which he says will try “to get kids off their fat holes and into solvent abuse”.
“We run a summer camp where we provide the kids with all the glue, aerosol, butane and petrol they could possibly need,” explained the doctor before claiming that 85% of the children who attended the camp became more active and engaged in all sorts of physical exertion in the pursuit of more interesting ways to get high. “They’ll probably never pick up a joypad again.”
Some of the parents were also glowing in their recommendations for Dr. Essive’s glue sniffing summer camp entitled, Huff Post, claiming that they’ve never seen their children so active.
“It’s great,” claimed Sheila, whose son Adam attended the camp last summer. “He’s off the couch more, his Xbox is gathering dust and he’s lost weight. I wish I’d have introduced him to gateway drugs sooner.”
Sniffing glue or solvents, concluded Dr. Essive, is vital for a child’s development into a normal, fucked up teenager and is a harmless childhood pastime like throwing rocks at trains, killing small animals and spitting.
Dr. Essive’s course of treatment recommends two huffs per day for 12- 15 year olds and four per day for 16 – 19 year olds or at least as much as needed to give them a good, head tingling, vibrate-y whack off it.
