An apparent elderly couple who visited London nightclub Fabric last weekend have been exposed as a mid twenties couple who haven’t slept in ten years.
Pavel and Martha Antonik, from Warsaw, Poland, were visiting London as part of the UK leg of their “Drug World Tour”, which has seen them take cheap Polish amphetamine in almost fifty countries over the last ten years.
“It’s great to have finally made it to the UK,” claimed a withered looking Pavel earlier. “We’ve been doing this tour for so long now that I wondered if we’d ever make but here we are. Everyone has treated us so well, especially the people at Fabric. They thought we were pensioners and gave us a free bar for the night. It was brilliant.”
Now that Pavel and Martha have visited London, their tour shows no sign of slowing down with a number of other UK dates, two weeks in France and four days in Ireland all scheduled before they take their capers across the Atlantic to the shores of America.
“This tour is our life now,” confirmed Martha. “It started as a trip to a local Warehouse Party and ten years later here we are, sitting in the VIP area of one of London’s biggest clubs, and to think, my mother always told me drugs are bad, sure I might look about seventy years older than I am, my ovaries probably resemble uncracked walnuts and I doubt I’ll live to see my thirtieth birthday but the money I’ve saved on free booze this last ten years is phenomenal, probably enough to buy a second hand bicycle by now and that’s all down to drugs! If there are any kids out there that want to take advice from a drug addict who hasn’t slept in ten years, I’d advise you to never listen to your mother.”
Wunderground also spoke to twenty four year old student Ian Hemingway, who managed to have a drink with the couple, “It was weird because they looked old but they didn’t act old. Like, they were drinking and doing drugs and stuff and old people, like my mum and dad, don’t really do those kind of things.”
“The girl was kinda hot too, even though she looked a bit like my nan, it was pretty confusing because I fancied her and felt repulsed by her at the same time, a bit like that Celine Dion bird.”
