Professional idiot Rachel Morris, 16, has today expressed her abbreviated enthusiasm ahead of a an EDM show taking place later this evening.
The teen was just one of the hundreds of teenage EDM fans who plan on attending tonight’s show to take part in a survey carried out by Sparkly Teen Dance Yay magazine.
The results of the survey, which was predominantly made up of girls aged between thirteen and sixteen, do not make for happy reading for the EDM elite and it now seems likely that the genre will be left with little or no fans by the year 2018.
Amanda Briggs, Professor of Sociology and head of HR for Sparkly Teen Dance Yay magazine explained the survey’s findings, “At the moment in Britain there is a large percentage of teens who are listening to really boring and utterly uninspiring music such as EDM.”
“Girls like Rachel Morris say things like, ‘2nite Is Going 2 B Totes Amazeballs,’ but if you were to ask them, why it will be totes amazeballs? They’d probably just repeat their belief that it will be totes amazeballs until you agreed with them or died of disdain.”
“That’s not the only question they wouldn’t have an answer for, even the simplest of questions like what’s 2 + 2 or what’s your name can totally perplex the average idiotic commercial dance fan.”
“For a while now we have been surveying large groups of EDM listeners, of particular age groups, from different parts of the world. The results are consistently astonishing. Only one in every ten people who listen to commercial dance have an IQ of fifty or higher and in a lot of these cases the smarter fans do suffer from some sort of hearing impairment,” she continued.
“Our results show that over ninety percent of EDM fans are under the age of sixteen and we believe that with education and maturity, the majority of these fans, like Rachel, will eventually become smarter and realise how bad and evil EDM actually is.”
“2018 is five years away and we can accurately predict a decline of over eighty five percent in the world wide number of EDM fans by then. The fans who survive beyond that year are the really stupid ones and they’ll eventually die out, probably in some sort of accident caused by their own stupidity like forgetting how to count or not knowing their right from left or from going to a Calvin Harris show and accidentally overdosing on drugs.”