With the ejection of self-involved controversy machine, Justin Bieber, from Coachella Festival last weekend there is now only another 79,999 self-entitled, rich douchebags left to throw out.
“The ultimate aim is that the festival becomes a douchebag free zone,” claimed a spokesperson for Coachella who says that he envisions a festival free of status hungry media cunts. “Throwing out Justin was just the beginning of a massive cleansing process that will be under way at the next weekend of the festival where we’re hoping to get rid of the anyone who you’d class entitled, middle-class douchebags from the site.”
“So everyone basically,” he added. “I mean, it’ll probably be the death of the festival but as a cultural statement and event, corporate music festivals died when they stopped being about creating a space for the free consumption of drugs and music where people from across cultures came and swapped ideas, and instead became a backdrop from which rich white kids send Instagrams of themselves throwing deuces or as the setting of an anecdote involving seeing a band you don’t like to impress your equally moronic college friends.”
Coachella Festival has been described as the centrepiece of the rich American festival fantasy with a recent report calling it the most expensive festival on the planet, eliminating the possibility of more interesting disadvantaged groups attending making it the domain of moneyed twerps with bronzed chests and a vocabulary that requires them to end every sentence with the word ‘bro’.
“Justin Bieber is just the first step in purging the festival of that non-culture,” concluded the spokesperson. “He is representative of the culturally apathetic, millennial Spring Breakers generation of EDM-loving willful philistines for whom casual ignorance of the world at large is the norm, self obsession is currency and wearing t-shirts glorifying edgy unfunny rape jokes is the megalulz.”
“The sooner we reclaim our festivals and culture from them, the better it’ll be.”
