Overpriced Ibiza Nightclubs To Charge Clubbers For Oxygen

Some of Ibiza’s top nightclubs have today announced plans to dispose of the current “free air” offer at their events and begin charging patrons for the privilege of breathing oxygen inside the club.

“Having looked into the legality of charging people for air,” explained one club owner who requested to remain anonymous, “it appears that once you own a premises you also own the air inside that building and are therefore well within your rights to sell that air to customers at a fair and equitable price.”

“Oxygen doesn’t grow on trees,” he continued. “For years we’ve been giving it away for free out of the goodness of our hearts but in the current economic climate our profits haven’t been as, to use some business terminology, ‘astronomical’ as we’d like, merely hovering around ‘extortionately ridiculous’ and so with our new surcharge on oxygen we think we can, to use another industry term, ‘get blood from a stone.'”

Explaining the new pricing scheme the club owner said that customers will only incur a €20 charge on top of the price of entry and for that they can “consume as much oxygen as they need to stay alive and keep buying drinks”.

“That number isn’t all profit for us,” he added, “there’s €15 for the purchase of our air and the €5 is used to cover carbon dioxide clean up costs.”

Anyone who leaves the premises after having paid their admission and oxygen fee to partake of the “free air” outside will have to pay the oxygen fee again upon re-entry to the club continued the source.

“Anyone on the premises who hasn’t paid their €20 for the use of the club’s oxygen,” he concluded, “will be taken into a side-room where they will have a gasoline soaked man’s sock stuff into their gullet until they pay up or are suffocated. Which is only fair.”