Oxfam announced today that it is to set up a subsidiary charity to try and help the numberless victims of the most recent ketamine drought that has swept through clubland, leaving devastation and sobriety in its wake.
Speaking today at the formation of Ketfam, a spokesperson for Oxfam said that this was the worst ketamine drought in recent memory and has left hundreds of thousands of young deep house fans across Europe with no access to clean snorting ketamine, causing them to resort to talking to each other and dancing.
“Some of the victims are in an awful state, they’re able to walk correctly, keep both eyes open at the same time and hold a conversation without slurring their words or slipping off into mindless nonsense,” claimed Ketfam spokesperson Alan Grosvenor, who has witnessed the devastation wrought by the ketamine drought first hand when he spent hours trying to get sorted out at the recent Bloc Festival in Minehead. “Something needs to be done before these ketamine users fall out of touch with clubbing and start guitar bands or become rappers.”
Reports from around the world have attributed this most recent ketamine drought with a change in drug laws in India and a subsequent closing of the factories that produced the drug, meaning that the market for the drug in Europe is under provided for and has led to thousands of young people having fully functioning bladders and kidneys.
The charity claim that they hope to be able to provide those most at need, deep house fans, with emergency supplies of ketamine or a synthetic ketamine replica like MXE.
“If we don’t give these people the help and assistance they need then by this time next year the numbers of vaguely druggy deep house tracks gaining traction in the scene will have halved and the number of new DJs might see similar drops,” he added. “Without cheap available ketamine these people will stop clubbing and then there just simply won’t be a deep house scene.”
Reports from the most affected areas including London, Dublin and Berlin, claim that people unable to get ketamine have resorted to just doing pills on the weekend and maybe the odd bit of coke, a situation which the charity claims is unacceptable.
“Before we know it the modern fashion of poly drug use will die off and people will go back to just doing pills or a bit of speed and then some hash on the come down,” concluded Alan. “Help these young people to fuck up their bodies for a few minutes of wobbly nonsense. All it takes is picking up the phone and sorting us out with whatever ket you can.”
