Paris Hilton’s latest attempt at making music has elicited bleak responses from listeners with at least everyone who has heard it entertaining thoughts of suicide and engaging in self harm. The production of the controversial track by EDM star, Afrojack, has been described by commentators as “like hot shit fell from his ass and happened to land on a synthesizer” and is considered to be dangerous to listen to.
One young music fan, Chris Turner, who had previously enjoyed Paris’s work in the pornography industry described his response, “I considered suicide pretty much instantaneously when I heard it played. I’ve never had mental health problems before but after hearing just four bars of Paris’s warm aural piss I felt like death would be a blissful release.”
Chris’s description of his Paris Hilton induced suicide attempt is symptomatic of what people have been experiencing across the world. “It came on while I was in my kitchen making a sandwich. I went into a kind of trance and when I snapped out of it my wrist was covered in blood and there was a knife in my hand,” continued Chris. “The fact that I didn’t actually succeed in killing myself is probably the saddest part of all of this.”
Suicide and mental health awareness groups are warning listeners to be extremely cautious and avoid listening to the track altogether as it will “initiate feelings of profound depression and the idea that music, and the world itself, is coming to an ignominious end.”
However not all people are reacting negatively to the track with some Christian groups going so far as to praise the single. Fred Phelps claimed that Paris’s track was “confirmation of the rise of the anti-Christ which according to scripture precedes the return of Our Lord and Saviour, Jesus Christ,” his blood daubed sandwich board asserted.
“It’s so poisonous and evil that it simply cannot be the work of anyone other than Satan himself,” claimed the Westboro Baptist Church leader. “I’m not saying that Paris Hilton is the devil but she is definitely, definitely to be held some way accountable for the end of all things.”
“In spite of my extreme views and pathological commitment to blind religious zealotry I still harboured doubts about my faith. But having heard what I can only describe as the hellish scream of Satan that is Paris Hilton’s vocals, I know that the return of Christ is imminent and all the faithful shall be delivered,” he calmly asserted.
One particularly devout Iraq War veteran described how when he heard the track it re-triggered his Post Traumatic Stress Disorder by indicating the coming rapture. “I’ve fought in the blooded sands of Iraq and heard the shrill screams of dying children but nothing…nothing prepared me for the horror of that devil music. I’m ashamed to say that my pillow was wet for the first time in years the night I heard it,” explained the tearful former soldier. “And it wasn’t only from crying.”
