Perma-tanned troll doll, reality TV piss-bucket and sometime DJ Pauly D is reportedly teaming up with music tech company Pioneer to release the world’s first DJ booth that doubles up as a tanning salon.
The pointless venture, designed to help DJ’s maintain a healthy glow in the cooler winter months and also to hide their haggard and drug-addled looks, will feature the recently released CDJ2000 Nexus and DJM1000 mixer as well as four state of the art UV tanning beds built into the monitors, the desk and front facing plexi-screen.
Pauly D, who can count to four but only on Wednesdays, has yet to master his first language and models his hairstyle on Brock from Pokemon, is reportedly delighted with the product saying “it’s more money so I’m happy”.
“Sometimes I might be mixing in a dark nightclub and worry that I’m not getting enough sunlight,” explained the Jersey Shore half-human, “apparently if you don’t get enough sunlight your penis shrivels up and women stop stroking your sunspot flecked muscles.”
“There’s no science to back that up but I believe it, but there’s loads of things that science can’t account for that are real – like astrology or how Paris Hilton and I get work,” he continued, “and that’s why I’ve helped create this product, so no looks-based celebrity DJ will have to suffer the indignity of pale, sickly non-tanned skin.”
All of the controls for the equipment, which has been described as “dangerous as well as pointless” by DJs and tanning experts alike, will be built in a specially reflective chrome-like material that will deflect any stray UV light back off the desk and into the sweaty face of the DJ, ensuring that he or she satisfies their tanning needs.
“This product will be great for anyone who likes to look good while also thinking that skin cancer isn’t that big a deal,” explained a Pioneer spokesperson claiming it would be a hit with jocks, club bimbos and the perennially tanned like Jodie Marsh, Lindsay Lohan and Louie Spence. “We also hope that it’ll increase the number of DJs working topless like David Morales.”
“It’s a great product, I don’t know why they didn’t do it sooner, I mean sure it makes the DJ look like a purple shaded glowing lizard who is catching melanoma, but if they’re so blissfully unintelligent that they don’t know how stupid it is then what’s the harm, other than early death?”
