Star of Jersey Shore and lamentable celebrity “DJ” Pauly D has suffered 1st degree burns over 60% of his body after a pre-gig tanning session went horribly wrong, leaving the young reality TV star traumatized in intensive care.
“Well, basically I was due to play that night,” recounted a weary Pauly as Wunderground caught up with 33 year old in his hospital bed. “I needed to get ready for my set ,but I knew I was missing something. I’d been practicing all hour, my track selection was tight, my petrified hair as stiff as a sturdy oak and my practiced stage persona was down to knob twiddling perfection. All that was left, was the tan.”
“I mean sure, I was already tanned,” he continued. “I’m Pauly D, I’m hardly going to rock on stage looking pale, but was I tanned enough? That’s the question I’ve got to ask myself every day.”
Pauly claims that after deciding that his set wasn’t going to be a success without him topping up his perma-tan he climbed into the tanning booth that he keeps in his personal studio/gym/closet to bathe in cancer inducing light for an extended period of time.
“I jumped in with the plan to get maybe a half hour max,” explained Pauly. “I was already slickly bronzed. I just needed a top up so that the tan really popped, you can’t afford to let your audience down by having an incomplete tan. So I put on one of my many recorded mixes to listen to while I was getting my tan on, but somehow I guess I got bored or something and fell asleep.”
After falling asleep in the tanning bed Pauly says he woke up 4 hours later experiencing “the most intense pain I’ve ever felt that wasn’t caused by a sexually transmitted infection” and that he immediately called paramedics after “googling the number for 911 on Ask Jeeves”.
Doctors who treated Mr. D said that he was lucky that he woke up when he did otherwise the burning could have left permanent scar tissue, but even with the injuries he has sustained, burns over 60% of his body including his penis, tribal tattoos and the soles of his feet, he should make a full recovery and be able to “DJ by numbers” again in the next few months.
“Do I regret what happened, sure I do? Will it stop me from tanning in the future? No,” declared a defiant Pauly. “Some people will say that DJing isn’t about having a super buffed bod or a tight tan and that it’s about talent. Well to those people I always say look at Calvin Harris. He used to be an interesting and skinny, vaguely awkward, sub-Hot Chip electro-pop archetype.”
“Then he henched up, cut his hair and, most importantly, eradicated that pasty Scotch colouring with a nice, brown base,” concluded Pauly. “Look at him now, he’s earning $30 mill a year, in all the celeb mags and throwing tantrums at annoyed fans, living the dream. And it’s not down to the fact that he altered his sound for mass appeal, it’s all down to the tan.”
