Prematurely grey TV drone, Phillip Schofield, is set to take a gritty look at the world of crack abuse by smoking the drug live on TV.
Schofield, who has a long history of performing inane TV stunts to the titters of unemployed people like eating chocolate, holding animals and grinning, made the claim on daily pleb-tube This Morning.
Calling Jon Snow a lightweight for only smoking skunk on TV and tearing off his Primark’s finest shirt, Schofield stared into camera one and said that it was he who would push the bounds of unnecessary TV journalism by smoking “crack rock from a glass pipe like a poor person” on next Tuesday’s installment of This Morning.
“I’ve always felt that I was a bit more than just a non-threatening autocue reader,” gushed an enthusiastic Schofield who terms his hair tone as electric silver. “This is my chance to prove that, all these years I’ve been placed in a specific box, or Cube, but now it’s time for my moment to look TV square in the eye and ask, ‘have you got a light?’”
The idea to have Schofield smoke a crack rock on live TV was pitched by the same faceless mercenary producer responsible for all of TVs most shocking moments like Jon Snow smoking weed, Kinga putting a wine bottle up her fanny on Big Brother and the entire series of Miranda.
“I’ve never taken drugs before so I don’t really know what to expect but I’ve always been a big Whitney fan so I think I’ll be fine,” explained Schofield while sitting in a bubble bath and having his armpit sponged by a grimacing runner. “This will give me the edge I need to get out of safe morning TV and into the prime time, maybe I’ll get my own series where I deal with hot topics such as drug abuse while pretending to be streetwise like Jeremy Kyle or Ross Kemp.”
Producers are already planning a followup to Schofield’s crack-cast in which they document his harrowing addiction while forcing him to undertake every single challenge on The Cube where the prize is a tiny piece of crack rock.
